Becoming a Club Sandwich
My apologies for not posting for so long. It’s been an amazing, hectic month full of family joys and trials. I think I just became a club sandwich. Although I don’t have kids at home, I’m pretty involved with my kidults, my mom, and now… my husband.
About the time Son and DIL moved, my husband was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease and sleep apnea. He’s been undergoing a lot of testing and dealing with an anxiety disorder that is preventing the proper diagnosis and treatment of the sleep apnea. Unfortunately, he’s become pretty depressed, so keeping him active and busy has become a chore. Just what I needed…
Meanwhile, the kidults have made lots of changes in their new home, including getting rid of that awful carpet and having the hardwood floors refinished. I’m still recovering from the cleaning I did during their move – cleaning I never do in my own home! (Why is it that we do things for our kids, even our adult kids, that we’d never think of doing for ourselves?) My chronic hip pain, which I had pretty well under control, flared up and is just now settling back down—most of the time. Mom has seen a specialist for her unresolved issues and has undergone a lot of new tests. So far, there doesn’t seem to be anything serious going on. And I’m starting a summer class and enjoying my garden.
Son and DIL visited us last week and we had a chance to have lunch with Mom. The kids don’t get to see her much, living at opposite ends of the state. We were excited that their visits coincided, even for a short time.
So, I will try to post more often. Things seem to be in a slight lull, and I’m enjoying the break. I hope you’re enjoying your summer as well.
Photo courtesy of Flickr.com/Cavin
Labels: adult children, aging parents, club sandwich
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Transitions for Our Kids
Our DS and DIL bought a home. Their first. Hubby and I drove down to southern CA a week ago Thursday to help them move. We spent Friday at their apartment finalizing packing and cleaning there. They were supposed to get the keys to the house at 3:30 on Saturday, but the seller didn’t leave until 9:00! That meant that the carpet cleaners DS had hired had to be canceled and he ended up with a service that cost twice the price, scheduled for Sunday morning. Since it was a holiday weekend, his choices were limited, and since the previous owner had a big, hairy dog, carpet cleaning was of first importance. The second service never showed and no one answered the 800-number. I was able to email from our hotel, and DS finally got a call, but no carpet cleaners. He called a third service, which arrived about 2:00, putting us almost 24-hours behind on a tight schedule.
While the carpet was being cleaned, we moved boxes and boxes and boxes into the garage. The next day we moved all the furniture into the house, with a lot of help from DS’s friends. Since then we’ve cleaned and cleaned and scrubbed and scrubbed. A couple of DIL’s friends were champs at cleaning the kitchen and a particularly awful bathroom. I’ve developed a repetitive stress injury from scrubbing grunge from the aluminum window frames, washing windows darkened by smog, and scrubbing the kitchen from head to toe. (Wish my house was so clean!) I’ve spent the past several days unpacking the dozens and dozens of boxes of kitchen stuff while DIL went back to work. (Tried to get her to let me go to work, but no, I had to stay and unpack.) It’s been quite a process. I’ll unpack and arrange things where she thought she wanted them, and then she’ll come home from work and rearrange it all. But at least this way she can see how things fit and it’s saving her more time and energy than she even realizes.
We’re blessed to have kids who want us to be part of this process, and they’re blessed to have parents who have the time and inclination to help. DS in particular has valued the advice of parents who have owned a fixer-upper for years. Mom and Dad have both been able to share ideas, advice, and admonitions. The range of his new responsibilities is dawning on him as he realizes what he doesn’t know. On the other hand, he’s done an amazing job of tackling projects I didn’t think he could handle. These are the joys of parenting young adults, being able to help while at the same time letting go and enjoying an adult relationship with them.
Unfortunately, in the busyness of all of this, the other side of my sandwich has been neglected. I’ve only called Mom a couple of times while we’ve been here. Fortunately, my brother was able to spend the long weekend with her, so she’s been well cared for. But while I love my life, I continue to feel smooched.
Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons/vieuxbandit
Labels: adult children, Kidults, transitions
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Passing family values with inheritance
James Carter writes at BeaconNewsOnline that families need to consider passing on their family values as wells as finances. He says that while many families view leaving an inheritance as a final act of love passed from one generation to the next, a recent study shows only one-tenth of all families are able to pass an inheritance on to a third generation. That’s a sobering statistic.He suggests that it’s important to not only pass on your assets to family members, but also to pass on the values, knowledge, and tools your children and grandchildren will need to responsibly manage an inheritance. This calls for communication established early and repeated regularly in whatever manner is most comfortable for your family—formal or informal. That gives the next generation the time and luxury to learn and think about what the money means to them and how they plan to use it.
He also suggests making sure that your estate plan is up to date. As your family grows over the years and tax and other laws that affect your estate plan change, it’s important to work with your legal and financial advisors to keep all of your plans and paperwork current.
He recommends that If your own health and living expenses are taken care of, consider helping your family now. This is an especially wise move if your money will be subject to estate taxes—generally over $2 million.
We’ve worked hard to do this with our son and now with our DIL. We want them to understand how we’ve managed our finances, especially including the values that have driven our decisions. And we want them to understand the charitable decisions we make, both now and later. As they grow up and gain more financial experience, they’ll be equipped to manage whatever we are able to leave them, or even what we can share with them now. Makes more sense to me than hoping they figure it out after we’re gone!
Labels: adult children, inheritance
Monday, February 12, 2007
Vacationing with Kidults
We just enjoyed a wonderful mini-vacation with our kids. Our DIL had Lincoln’s birthday off, so we met in Ventura for a three-day weekend. It’s fun vacationing with both of them. We've always loved traveling with our son, and now we get to double our pleasure. We’re still learning how to do this, but I’m confident that this will be the first of many wonderful trips together. They’re good at taking time for themselves, and we’re getting better at allowing them that freedom. Yep, parenting kidults is at least as much fun as parenting kids, and sometimes easier!Labels: adult children, Kidults
Saturday, January 27, 2007
The Importance of Family
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how important family is in providing for the elderly. There are four of us, plus spouses, who provide some level of care for my parents, and it often seems like there aren’t enough of us. Of course, each of us has our “specialty.” One brother calls to make sure Mom’s eating each day and invites her to visit for a few days of respite space when she’s willing to take it (which isn’t very often). The other brother handles a lot of the maintenance issues—keeping the yard in shape, helping to clean out a storage shed, doing minor fix-it jobs. And he visits once a month and just hangs out with Mom. My sister is the one who will steal Mom away for a day. Mom thinks she’s going to encourage Sis to get away, so it works for both of them. And I handle all of the medical, financial, and oversight issues for both Mom and Step-dad. No matter how much we do, we always feel there is too much left undone. Something will fall through the cracks—which are getting wider, it seems.So what will we do when we get older? We have only one son. how many of our needs will he and his wife be able to meet? What do we need to do now to make sure their burden is less?
And what about those people who have no children, either by choice or default? Who will care for them? Patrick Watson at Driving Out the Snakes makes the point in a discussion of DINKs (dual income, no kids).
Like it or not, each generation needs the next. If we don't create another generation to follow us we will end up paying a terrible price. At the macro level, Social Security is going bankrupt because there are not enough younger workers paying into the system. Even if you are wealthy enough not to need a pension, you still need an economy where the rest of us are reasonably prosperous.
Individually, those who grow old without children will not be able to replace, for any amount of money, the love that adult children should show toward their aging parents. We all reach a point where we need someone we trust to take care of us and make important decisions for us. If you have no children, who will it be?
Yes, who will it be?
Labels: adult children, aging parents, DINKs, family
Sunday, January 07, 2007
More on Parenting Adult Children
Susan commented on my post of November 15 on Parenting Kidultswhere I commented, “Boy, in my opinion, there’s nothing harder than parenting adult children!”
She says,
“Don't tell me that today! NOOOO! After a hard weekend with a preteen, a teen, and 84 yr old mom, this is not what I wanted to hear... we were just having fond fantasies of our empty nest.”I explained a little more of my thoughts yesterday, but let me clarify. It’s true that teens and pre-teens can be exhausting and exasperating and even infuriating. Their demands seem to go on and on, and on… It’s easy to have fantasies of the empty nest. But we have 18 years to learn how to deal with our kids. It’s gradual. We grow as they grow and we change as they change.
Then one day, they’re grown up. The adult years come on much more quickly. If our kids go to college, we have four years max. Many want their independence even sooner. If they move into the job market, the transition comes even faster. That’s a steep learning curve, especially for moms who have devoted their lives to parenting. To meeting the needs and shaping the values of their offspring. And suddenly, her job is done.
The other difference is that when our children are young, we have some degree of control if we choose to exercise it. When they’re little, we can physically pick them up and move them. When they’re older we can ground them, assign extra tasks, or otherwise manage to persuade them to do what we think is important. I know. Many parents feel impotent and don’t exercise their authority. But they have it if they’ll exercise it consistently through the years.
However, when the kids become adults, we have only the power of relationship. If we haven’t built it in the prior 18 years, it’s unlikely we’ll be able to develop it now. And while our pre-adult years have been devoted to providing endless input that will help the kids become all God created them to be, the transition to adult influence comes rather suddenly.
That’s the hard part for me. Keeping my mouth shut. Going against my “mom” nature. Disciplining myself to not fix everything. Praying rather than talking. Allowing him to make his own decisions, whether it would be my choice or not. Whether I agree or not. Allowing him to reap the consequences of his decisions. Of course, a good parent will do some of that all along the way. But now, it’s essential to maintain “hands off.” The mom in me hates that. And loves the results.
So Susan, have faith. Enjoy the process. You’ll blink twice and the kids will be gone. The nest will be empty for a mighty long time—unless Mom moves in.
Labels: adult children
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Family Time
Friends, I apologize for my long silence. At least it seems long to me. I’ve been hit with a combination of the “Christmas busys” and what has felt like far fewer brain cells. Everything I’ve thought about writing has seemed trite, and I truly want to avoid wasting your time and mine.We were blessed with a nine-day visit from our DS and his wife. Although we all were sick for part of the time, we still managed to do everything we wanted to do and had lots of time for rest and reading, which is what DDIL really needed. It was a blessed, laid back time. But it was also busy. You know how it is when you have houseguests in a small house. Because we were all sick, I washed towels every day. And because we wanted all-together time, I cooked breakfast most mornings.
Breakfast, or perhaps I should say brunch, has become a tradition when they come home. We gather around the table about 11:00 and often sit there for hours. In the summer we eat on the patio and have been know to sit and talk until 4:00 in the afternoon—just in time to cook dinner.
These times are precious interludes for me. I’m usually a Type A personality, going, running, doing. I usually eat in the car or on the run. Even when DS was living at home, we usually had dinner together, but it wasn’t a four-hour affair. But because we home schooled, we had times throughout the day and week to talk. Often in the car driving to debate or other places. During those times, we developed a close relationship and the ability to talk about almost anything with one another. He learned to seek our advice, and we learned the best ways to give it so it would be heard.
When he went off to college, we would often spend an hour or more on the phone once or twice a week, just the three of us. He’d tell us all about what he was doing, thinking, feeling, and we’d share our lives with him. He’d often do this while walking around the campus—good exercise! In this way, we stayed close. Didn’t lose touch. And we were able to see him growing in his ability to make wise decisions and weather storms. We gradually let go, moving from being fairly directive in freshman year to just listening and sometimes reflecting or asking a question in senior year. The result is that he has continued talking to us, sharing his life. And his wife is learning to do the same.
Our task, of course, is to develop an adult relationship with them. As they move into adulthood, we can be their friends and their elders. Hopefully wise elders. It’s important to us that he no longer be our “boy,” but that he becomes a man, an adult, who is firmly grounded in his values, his faith, and his new family. A man who can make wise decisions; one who knows when to ask for help or input and when to do it on his own.
I’ve often said that parenting adult children is harder than parenting two’s or teens. It’s hard to make the shift from directive to reflective, but the rewards of doing it well are huge. I’m beginning to like this stage of life. We’re reaping the fruits of our labors.
Labels: adult children, family, relationships
Friday, December 08, 2006
Bologna with no Bread
Tonight we decorated our tree and house. While I’m sure we’ve done it a time or two without our son while he was away at college, this year seemed to take on a different feel. It’s just my husband and I.We did all the traditional things—Christmas carols on the stereo, chili and garlic bread for dinner, hot buttered run while decorating—but it seemed empty. Our son loves Christmas and makes such a celebration of the decorating process. Plus, he’s very artistic and has an eye for what goes where, what needs tweaking. Hubby and I, on the other hand, are real klutzes when it comes to decorating, whether the house or the tree.
I think this year had a sense of finality about it. He’s married and probably decorating his own tree and apartment. He won’t be home again. Of course, we’re delighted to have raised a son who actually left home. Who is actually making a living and living a life apart from ours. That’s good. We’re delighted to have a son who knows what it means to leave and cleave rather than move himself and his wife in with Mom and Dad. Good feeling. We “did good.”
But in the process of raising an independent son, we raised one we enjoy being with. We not only love him; we like him and we respect him. When he comes home, we talk and talk and talk for hours on end. And we feel the same about his sweet wife. We don’t get much sleep when they’re here. Sometimes we sit at the breakfast table until mid-afternoon, just talking about life. And so, we miss them.
Our first Christmas as parents of a married son. His first Christmas as a married man. The end of an era. The beginning of another…
Labels: adult children, Christmas, sandwich generation
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Responsibility to Care for Parents
According to the California 3rd District Court of Appeals, adult children have a legal responsibility to provide reasonable a care for their aging parents.It’s sad that we need laws and courts to enforce what, in most societies, is the norm. Even all the discussion about being part of Gen Sandwich assumes that caring for aging parents and children is a burden. Underlying most of the literature and blogs is the assumption that this care interferes with my right to “my” life. I confess I sometimes feel that way when I’m feeling smooshed between conflicting demands. But is that wrong? Normal? Cultural?
I love the attitude of Patricia in Washing the Feet of the Saints. Read her November 25 and 29 posts. Would that more of us had her heart of service. Would that I had her heart of service more often.
Recently we visited a Native American pueblo in New Mexico. While on the tour, someone asked what happens to the elderly in their community. The tour guide responded matter-of-factly that they are cared for in the home of one of their children or grandchildren. “They cared for us when we were babies, so we take care of them when they are babies.”
This reminds me of a phrase we often said when our son was growing up. When we’d do something especially nice for him, we’d joke, “We’re being good to you when you’re little so that you’ll be good to us when we’re little.” We sort of assumed we were just talking about the period we’re in now, when he’s physically bigger than us and off living his own life. And so far, he is pretty good to us.
But the bigger question is how he’ll treat us when we are old and frail. When we need the type of help my parents need now. We can only hope that he takes note of how we care for them, and will do at least that much for us. Maybe more.
Labels: adult children, aging parents, legal responsibility, sandwich generation
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Thanksgiving Surprise
I’m so excited. Our son and daughter-in-love are coming home after all. It’s been hard for them to decide what to do on their first holiday. But her mom works all day, so they will celebrate on Saturday. I had urged them not to come because of the traffic. The usual seven-hour drive would easily become nine or ten tonight. And the same going back on Sunday. So they were going to take a little trip or hang out tomorrow.But when we talked today, it was clear that we were all missing one another terribly. So tonight, he called and said they’re driving up tomorrow and will be here in time for breakfast. The friends we celebrate with are setting two extra places at the table. Their boys are also coming home, so we’ll all be together again.
It’s so wonderful to have raised a son we LOVE being with. The pain of missing him was actually palpable, so I really appreciate their willingness to make a fast-turn-around trip just to be with us. I’ve made my traditional sticky buns, which will be waiting when they drive up tomorrow. Life is good!
Labels: adult children
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Parenting Kidults
Phyllis Goldberg and Rosemary Lichtman offer some great advice to parents whose kidadults who have headed off to college in “How to Lay Low as Helicopter Parents.” Contrary to their advice, we remained quite involved with him during his college years. But we also gave him a lot of freedom and a lot of encouragement. We were available to listen and to reflect and suggest, but tried not to mandate. We got to know his friends, and had wonderful hour-plus weekly conversations with him. We often felt we were walking a tightrope.Boy, in my opinion, there’s nothing harder than parenting adult children! Knowing when to step in and when to shut up is far tougher than dealing with a screaming two-year old or a moody teenager. We’ve been incredibly blessed with the relationship we’ve been able to maintain with our adult son. He’s a delightful young man who seems to have forgiven us and continues to forgive us when we overstep. It took most of his college years for us to really let go, but now we feel as if we have a pretty good adult-to-adult relationship. I hope he feels the same.
.
Labels: adult children
Monday, October 30, 2006
Bed Sores and Cherishing Relationships
Patricia Ann Hunter in Washing the Feet of the Saints offers helpful tips for avoiding bedsores. This is an important topic for those caring for aging parents who aren’t able to move a lot. Patricia doesn’t post often, but I love her attitude of service and grace in caring for her mother.We’re visiting our son and his wife following a conference for Christian bloggers at Biola University. The conference was good, but seeing our newlyweds is better. They’re settling in so well. Today my dear DIL and I went shopping. It’s fun having a girl! This evening we visited some of our son’s friends. One of our joys has been developing close relationships with so many of his friends over the years. They seem to enjoy us almost as much as we enjoy them. Last time we were here, we hosted a party at their apartment, just so we could visit with all of their friends. Since we have only the one child, we’ve always seemed to add boys along the way, investing in the lives of many. Seeing our son successfully launched as a man is such a joy for us.
Unfortunately, when we visit the kids, we get so busy that it’s easy to forget Mom. I hadn’t called her for a few days. Usually, I call every day or at worst, every other day. She acts as if it’s a nuisance, often sounding annoyed as she answers, “Well, what do you want?” I try to not let that bother me. It’s just her way. But tonight when I called, she was glad to hear from me. She said was about to call me! Now that would be a switch!
It’s sad when she isn’t as delighted to hear from me as we are to hear from our son and DIL. Sometimes when he’s coming home, we wait for him at the curb we’re so anxious to see him. We’ve always wanted him to know how wonderfully special he is and how delighted we are to have him. I hope that when I’m old and he calls, I’ll still behave the same way. I hope when I’m old, he’ll call.
Labels: adult children, aging parents
Monday, October 23, 2006
Parenting Adult Children
As I’ve watched my son become an adult over the past several years, I’ve often said that parenting adult children is much harder than parenting any other stage. I guess that’s because we no longer have the rule of law on our sides. Only the rule of influence.Let’s face it. When the kids are little, we can simply pick them up and move them to where we want them to be. They may be kicking and screaming, but when reason fails, Mom and Dad still have the last word. As they grow to teen years, good communication goes a long way in maintaining a good relationship. But when reason fails at this stage, we usually still have the power of the purse and the power of position to persuade them to see things our way. Sure, I know that many kids rebel at this stage and parents feel powerless. But if we’ve not taken our roles too legalistically and have developed good communication in the first 13 years, we can make it through the teen years relatively unscathed.
But then, they’re off to college or work, and their world broadens. They’re meeting people we don’t know and making friends outside of our circle of influence. They’re developing romantic interests without our oversight. This is when we know if our family values have been communicated to the next generation.
We’ve been so pleased with the friends our son has chosen and the wife he married. But as he’s moved into adulthood, he’s made choices that we have frightened us. Choosing to get married younger than we would have preferred. Business decisions we aren’t sure he’s ready for. We trust him, but so often we cringe because we know that our role is no longer to give him the answers. It’s to give him wings and encouragement and trust. It’s to stand on the sidelines and cheer him on, no matter what decision he makes. It’s to pray that the decision he’s making is the right one. That’s so much harder than making his choices for him or even giving him advice, but so essential as we encourage him to become the man God created him to be.
Ann Gowans offers some good tips in an article in today’s Columbia Daily Tribune about parenting adults. For those of us in Gen Sandwich, giving our adult children the freedom to thrive helps to relieve the feeling of being smooshed.
Labels: adult children, encouragement, prayer, relationships, sandwich generation
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Strategies for the "Sandwich Generation"
Karyn McCormack, in an article for BusinessWeek.com, offers several strategies for the Gen Sandwichers.She notes that the costs for the Gen Sandwichers can add up, even if your parents have saved for their own future care. The reality is, their generation is living longer—many into their 90s--thanks to better health care, and the cost for that care is rising.
McCormack notes that the average cost for a nursing home stay in 2005 was $64,000 a year—or about $176 per day—for a semi-private room. In my step dad’s case, the cost was $205 per day, plus lots of extras—and he doesn’t live in an urban area.
About the time Gen Sandwichers are coughing up an average of $21,235 for college tuition (per child), they’re also losing money as they take time away from work to care for their aging parents. “On average, 18 hours a week are devoted to care,” says Patti Brennan, president of Key Financial, a financial planning firm in West Chester, Pa.
McCormack points out that many caregivers, who tend to be women, must either leave their full-time jobs or work part time and give up important benefits. They might also turn down promotions and the higher salary that comes with them because they can't devote the necessary time for additional work responsibilities.
According to Brennan, “On average, care costs an estimated $659,000 during a person's lifetime in reduced salary, lower 401(k) contribution, and lost retirement and health benefits.”
Elder care can take a psychological and emotional toll, because not all siblings and family members will agree on how to take care of a parent, who will be the primary caregiver, and who will pay for it.
To avoid disaster, McCormak says that caregivers need to get their own finances and retirement plan in order. Especially when children are in the mix, caregivers must set priorities and have open communication with their entire family to figure out ways to share the financial, emotional, and time burdens.
Her article discusses seven tips to cope with being sandwiched:
1. Don't dip into your retirement savings.
2. Start a college savings plan for your children.
3. Make sure your parents have long-term care insurance.
4. Establish a durable power of attorney, a health-care directive, and update wills.
5. Take inventory of your parents' assets and consolidate accounts.
6. Seek help from social services and elder law attorneys.
7. Continue saving despite family obligations and control debt.
Labels: adult children, college, finances, nursing home costs, sandwich generation, women
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Emergency Preparedness
If your aging parents were to have a medical emergency, could you provide the vital information doctors would need to care for them? Do you know the names of your parents' doctors? Is your mom taking any medications? Has your dad ever had any surgery?These are questions asked in an article on the Mayo Clinic website. They ask several good questions that we need to know about our parent’s medical and health needs, and they provide a PDF form to organize the info. I’m sending a copy to my parents today. And it wouldn't hurt to complete forms for my husband and I and send them to our son--just in case...
In addition, make sure that you, your adult children, and your parents carry cards indicating who to call in case of emergency. I don't think my husband or I even have such a card in our wallets. How would emergency personnel ever find our son, best friends, or parents to notify them? This is particularly important with regard to adult children who live elsewhere and only have cell phones rather than land lines. They will be much more difficult to locate than someone listed in the phone book.
I have a couple of tasks to do tonight. How about you?
Labels: adult children, aging parents, emergency