Happy Thanksgiving!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Happy Thanksgiving to all of my wonderful readers who are caring for aging parents and a double blessing to you GenSandwichers who still have children at home and are caring for your parents. I pray God's richest blessings upon you this Thanksgiving.
I've just returned from five days at Mom's, a visit that included both medical appointments and a big family dinner. While everyone helped with the dinner, we still haven't trained the sibs to stay for clean up. Almost everyone suddenly had to leave before we even started dishes and putting away the leftovers. In all fairness, there was a storm coming in and those who had traveled felt the need to get on the road before it hit. I was grateful for my brother who stayed and helped to the very end. I can tell I'm getting older. But the end of the day, and through the next day, I could barely move.
While it was important to give Mom a full Thanksgiving dinner with her whole family, I find that it's getting harder and harder to manage it. I feel conflicted and in a no-win situation. I want to make it nice for Mom -- who knows which holiday will be her last. But I find I resent sibs who consistently make excuses for not pitching in and contributing a fair share. I honestly don't have any more energy than they do, but I guess I'm just stubborn enough to tough through it -- to my detriment.
How do you mange holidays at your house? I'd love some suggestions for honoring Mom while maintaining my own health and well-being in a situation where agreeing on responsibilities in advance hasn't worked.
Labels: aging, family, siblings, Thanksgiving
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The Christmas Gift
How often do we discount or mistreat others? And how often are we treated badly by others? And how often are the reasons for those conflicts a mystery, even to us?
The Christmas Gift by R. William Bennett is a charming story of a newcomer, a bully, and the benefits of doing the right thing. The lessons young Scott learns are good reminders to all of us who are tempted to react in kind rather than responding kindly.
As I’m preparing to spend time with family over the holidays, this book reminds me to look beneath the surface behaviors, to accept more than my part in disagreements, and to do the right thing. Sometimes I need that. We all have unhealed places in our lives and we all need a Christmas gift – throughout the year.
Labels: book review, family
Saturday, August 28, 2010
What’s This about Getting Old?
Robert Faber expressed my sentiments exactly in his op-ed piece on the AnnArbor.com. At 84, he looks around and wonders why everyone else is so old. It’s a great read, especially for Boomers.
I’m at my family’s this weekend. Everyone is here for a nephew’s birthday. Mom is 89, Brother is 60, Sister is 53. At 62, I feel no more than 30 and keep thinking I’m back “at home” with much younger siblings. In fact, I often confuse my brother with my 26-year-old son. I’ll be talking on the phone to one and see the other in my mind’s eye. I sometimes feel as if I’m in a time warp and have a hard time remembering my own age and stage. I’m doing things usually done by much younger people (like grad school and gardening) and have plans for the next 30 years, yet my body often screams in protest. Who am I and how old am I anyway?
I know I’m not alone, and at the same time I know that my attitude helps keep me young. Meanwhile, like Robert Faber, I “just keep planning and trying and doing. The beauty of life at any age, but a requisite for old age, is: Tomorrow.”
Photo courtesy iStockPhoto.com
Labels: aging, Baby Boomers, family
Friday, April 23, 2010
Fiction Friday: Her Mother’s Hope
Best-selling author Francine Rivers has penned a sweeping and lyrical two-book saga that explores the depths of grace and forgiveness in one of life’s fiercest bonds—the love between mother and daughter.
Near the turn of the twentieth century, fiery Marta Schneider is torn between her father’s declaration that she’ll never be more than a servant and her mother’s encouragement to chase her dreams. Determined to fulfill her mother’s hope, Marta leaves home for a better life. Young and alone, she earns her way with a series of housekeeping and cooking jobs that bring her ever closer to her dream of owning an inn.
Heartbreaking news from home strengthens Marta’s resolve as she moves to England and eventually to Canada. There, she meets handsome Niclas Waltert, a man just as committed as she to forging a better life in a new place. But nothing has prepared her for the sacrifices she must make for marriage and motherhood as she travels first to the Canadian wilderness and finally to the dusty Central Valley of California to raise her family.
Marta’s hope is to give her children a better life, but experience has taught her that only the strong survive. Her tough love is often misunderstood, especially by her oldest daughter, Hildemara Rose, who craves her mother’s acceptance. Amid the drama of World War II, Hildie falls in love and begins a family of her own. But unexpected and tragic events force mother and daughter to face their own shortcomings and the ever-widening chasm that threatens to separate them forever.I loved this book, as I do all of Francine’s books, although it seemed more narrative than her other books. Sadly, I saw many similarities to my relationship with my own mother. It reawakened my awareness of her childhood wounding and reminded me of her inability to show me love. Our family was similar to the Waltert family, with some children treated roughly (guess who) and others being favored. I’m looking forward the sequel, Her Daughter’s Dream, to see if the conflicts are resolved. It’s a perfect GenSandwich book.
As part of this blog tour, I’m required to post interview questions.
Where do you get your ideas for your plots?
Almost every story I have written since becoming a Christian has come from a question that regards a struggle in my own faith walk. The plot centers around the different ways that question can be answered by “the world” – but the quest is to find God’s answer.
Her Mother’s Hope / Her Daughter’s Dream explores what caused the rift between my grandmother and mother. When my grandmother had a stroke, my mother raced from Oregon to the Central Valley of California to be with her. Grandma died before she arrived. My mother was heart-broken and said, “I think she willed herself to die just so we wouldn’t have to talk things out.” I have wondered since: What causes people (even Christians) to hold grudges? What might have brought resolution and restoration to these two women? Could my grandmother have loved my mother without my mother understanding it? The two books have many personal, family details woven in and I will be sharing this information in my blog.
Tell us about your current work.
I have just completed the second in a set of two books about mother-daughter relationship over four generations. This was intended to be one long novel dealing with the different ways generations have lived out their faith – but became so long it needed to be divided. Her Mother’s Hope was released March 16, 2010. Her Daughter’s Dream will follow in September. There are numerous family and personal details woven into both books and I plan to share those things on my blog. You may find out more about my new book and more by visiting my web site.
PLEASE NOTE: A complimentary copy of this book was provided to me as a blog tour host by Tyndale House Publishers in exchange for posting this interview on my blog. Please visit Christian Speaker Services at www.ChristianSpeakerServices.com for more information about blog tour management services.
Labels: book review, family
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Happy Mothers Day
Happy Mothers’ Day, Gen Sandwichers. It’s been another interesting week here. Last week Mom fell in a parking lot and sprained her ankle quite badly. (At least she didn’t break a hip, which has been my concern for her.) Somehow she managed to drive herself home and a few hours later to the ER. She called my sister, who lives closest to her. Sis offered to pick her up, but Mom drove herself home and managed to get into the house. Sis emailed me, mad at Mom for not calling and the hospital for allowing her to drive home. I forwarded the emails to the brothers and by morning there was a plan in place. Brother #1 went over for the day, got her settled, and called in an evaluation. Brother #2 arranged to take vacation time for the week and arrived Friday night. He’s there for the week. Bless him!She’ll see the doctor on Tuesday. Then we need to figure out the next step. Unfortunately, hubby and I have reservations to travel to the east coast during the couple of next weeks for a graduation. It seems that every time there’s a family emergency, I’m traveling! Fortunately, others have been willing to step up to the plate.
We still have to figure out what to do when Brother #2 has to go back to work before I return home. I’m not sure she’s safe to stay home alone, even though that’s her choice. Will I have to be the decision maker – again? I feel smooshed…
Labels: aging parents, family, injuries
Thursday, February 22, 2007
The Cost of Family Care Giving
Are you ready to be discouraged? Read the statistics at FamilyCareGiver.org and see the toll that family care giving takes on Gen Sandwichers, the health care system, and the economy. It’s pretty amazing.How big is the issue? A nationwide CBS poll of 1,142 adults, conducted Feb. 8-11, found that 1-in-5 respondents has cared for an elderly parent and 43 percent of those people say that caring for the parent has caused disputes within the family.
Labels: caregivers, elderly parents, family, statistics
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Vacationing with Kidults, Part 2
Susan left a comment about my post on Vacationing with Kidults. I wanted to address her comment in a more public way to encourage all of you who still have kids at home. She said:That sounds so great. At this point I can't imagine (I have teens) my kids WANTING to vacation with us - they are so chomping at the bit to get out and have their independence. It sounds so great.
Yes, Susan we are indeed blessed. We worked hard at developing a good relationship with our son as he was growing up. And travel had a big place in our lives. Those are both keys in what we’re trying to develop now that he’s married.
When he was young, we traveled to some wonderful places around the US and elsewhere almost every year. He could find his way around an airport at five or six. Vacations gave us uninterrupted time together and great adventures. We chose destinations that we thought he’d enjoy—at least most of the time. As we went through his teen years, I don’t think it occurred to any of us that enjoying being together was odd. Of course, we home schooled, so togetherness and mutual respect were part of our family culture.
Now our travel together has an added advantage for him and his wife. We pay. I hope that isn’t the only reason they come with us, but it works. We learned this from some family friends. They have what they call the Grammy trip. Each year, Grammy takes the whole family of one of her children to some exotic place. So every third year, our friends enjoyed a wonderful vacation with Grammy. And Grammy had the undivided attention of her children and grandchildren. In this family, the trip was more than a freebie. It was an opportunity to make memories. I always envied them and decided that we would become “Grammy” just as soon as our son left home.
They spent nine days with us at Christmas (I wrote about this here and here), but this was our first trip together. A bit more expensive than traveling with him alone since we rented two hotel rooms, but we wanted it to be a special time for them. (And what newlyweds want to share a room with Mom and Dad?) It gave them opportunities to be alone and times we could be together. We did a bit of sightseeing, going to the Reagan Library—one of his favorites. She had never been there, so it was a treat for her. We had several other activities planned, but what they wanted was mostly time to veg. We were able to be flexible and still enjoy them, which was the most important thing to us.
I hope they enjoyed it. We sure did. Now we’re all back at work, but remembering a brief interlude of togetherness. Again I was impressed with our dear DIL, who is learning how we travel. Son, of course, fell right into the pattern, but we’re different from her family and that has to be a bit stressful.
Susan, I hope you’ll find a way to build special memories with your teens. Yes, they want independence, but that isn’t mutually exclusive from time with family. Make trips as unique as you can afford. Cater to their interests, even if those aren’t yours. Find areas of common ground. Perhaps begin by vacationing with another family. We did that during the teen years, partially to provide companions for our only child, and it was great fun. The relationship you build during these years will pave the way for closeness when they are on their own. Best wishes!
Labels: family, Kidults, travel
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Hire Family as Caregivers
Elizabeth at GenBetween cites an article from Career Journal on paying a family member to provide care for an aging parent. As she says, this would work splendidly in some families and terribly in others.Marsha Kay Seff recommends that the primary caregiver have the parents create a contract or agreement covering responsibilities and compensation to avoid problems with siblings, especially those who aren’t helping.
While it may be an ideal situation for the parent, allowing them to stay in their home longer, I see two possible disadvantages, depending on the family situation.
1. I’ve seen the caretaking offspring physically or emotionally abuse the elder. Of course, this can happen just as easily with non-family caregivers, but it’s especially disgusting when abuse happens by a family member. If that abuse also involves control over the parents’ finances, it could get messy.
2. It will reduce the estate, not only making the parents potentially eligible for Medicaid, but also resulting in one sibling getting “more.” In contentious families and those where one sib may need the money more than others, this can work well or terribly. If one sib has had his or her eye on the estate, watching it dissipated to another sib may be more galling than having it paid to a stranger. Sad.
But for families where one sib is bearing the lion’s share, it could be a solution.
Labels: aging parents, caregivers, family
Saturday, January 27, 2007
The Importance of Family
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how important family is in providing for the elderly. There are four of us, plus spouses, who provide some level of care for my parents, and it often seems like there aren’t enough of us. Of course, each of us has our “specialty.” One brother calls to make sure Mom’s eating each day and invites her to visit for a few days of respite space when she’s willing to take it (which isn’t very often). The other brother handles a lot of the maintenance issues—keeping the yard in shape, helping to clean out a storage shed, doing minor fix-it jobs. And he visits once a month and just hangs out with Mom. My sister is the one who will steal Mom away for a day. Mom thinks she’s going to encourage Sis to get away, so it works for both of them. And I handle all of the medical, financial, and oversight issues for both Mom and Step-dad. No matter how much we do, we always feel there is too much left undone. Something will fall through the cracks—which are getting wider, it seems.So what will we do when we get older? We have only one son. how many of our needs will he and his wife be able to meet? What do we need to do now to make sure their burden is less?
And what about those people who have no children, either by choice or default? Who will care for them? Patrick Watson at Driving Out the Snakes makes the point in a discussion of DINKs (dual income, no kids).
Like it or not, each generation needs the next. If we don't create another generation to follow us we will end up paying a terrible price. At the macro level, Social Security is going bankrupt because there are not enough younger workers paying into the system. Even if you are wealthy enough not to need a pension, you still need an economy where the rest of us are reasonably prosperous.
Individually, those who grow old without children will not be able to replace, for any amount of money, the love that adult children should show toward their aging parents. We all reach a point where we need someone we trust to take care of us and make important decisions for us. If you have no children, who will it be?
Yes, who will it be?
Labels: adult children, aging parents, DINKs, family
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Family Time
Friends, I apologize for my long silence. At least it seems long to me. I’ve been hit with a combination of the “Christmas busys” and what has felt like far fewer brain cells. Everything I’ve thought about writing has seemed trite, and I truly want to avoid wasting your time and mine.We were blessed with a nine-day visit from our DS and his wife. Although we all were sick for part of the time, we still managed to do everything we wanted to do and had lots of time for rest and reading, which is what DDIL really needed. It was a blessed, laid back time. But it was also busy. You know how it is when you have houseguests in a small house. Because we were all sick, I washed towels every day. And because we wanted all-together time, I cooked breakfast most mornings.
Breakfast, or perhaps I should say brunch, has become a tradition when they come home. We gather around the table about 11:00 and often sit there for hours. In the summer we eat on the patio and have been know to sit and talk until 4:00 in the afternoon—just in time to cook dinner.
These times are precious interludes for me. I’m usually a Type A personality, going, running, doing. I usually eat in the car or on the run. Even when DS was living at home, we usually had dinner together, but it wasn’t a four-hour affair. But because we home schooled, we had times throughout the day and week to talk. Often in the car driving to debate or other places. During those times, we developed a close relationship and the ability to talk about almost anything with one another. He learned to seek our advice, and we learned the best ways to give it so it would be heard.
When he went off to college, we would often spend an hour or more on the phone once or twice a week, just the three of us. He’d tell us all about what he was doing, thinking, feeling, and we’d share our lives with him. He’d often do this while walking around the campus—good exercise! In this way, we stayed close. Didn’t lose touch. And we were able to see him growing in his ability to make wise decisions and weather storms. We gradually let go, moving from being fairly directive in freshman year to just listening and sometimes reflecting or asking a question in senior year. The result is that he has continued talking to us, sharing his life. And his wife is learning to do the same.
Our task, of course, is to develop an adult relationship with them. As they move into adulthood, we can be their friends and their elders. Hopefully wise elders. It’s important to us that he no longer be our “boy,” but that he becomes a man, an adult, who is firmly grounded in his values, his faith, and his new family. A man who can make wise decisions; one who knows when to ask for help or input and when to do it on his own.
I’ve often said that parenting adult children is harder than parenting two’s or teens. It’s hard to make the shift from directive to reflective, but the rewards of doing it well are huge. I’m beginning to like this stage of life. We’re reaping the fruits of our labors.
Labels: adult children, family, relationships
Thursday, December 21, 2006
A Gen Sandwich Christmas
Elizabeth at GenBetween says, "It's hard being responsible for most everything, huh? No answers, just empathy."Yep, it is. I guess the question is, how much of that is my fault (if I dropped the ball, would anyone pick it up?), how much is birth order (oldest, responsible one, you know...) and how much is simply that I live by a different set of values than the rest of my sibs.
We leave tomorrow for two days at Mom's. Gifts are all wrapped and most of the food purchased (except that Costco was out of pork tenderloins, so we'll have to stop on the way). I haven't started packing yet, but the laundry is all done and it's only two days, so that shouldn't take long. (Famous last words?)
Now, to get on with the Christmas letter, which clearly won't make it out before the holiday... again.... We send well over 200 letters, so it's an ordeal that I seem to keep putting off. But I'd rather be late than stop doing it or do less. This is the one chance each year to keep in touch with old friends (who, BTW, seem to be getting older. We got some photos this year from people we didn't even recognize! I'm so glad we haven't changed a bit....)
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Christmas Looming and Lamenting
I wonder how much blog posting drops in December? I sure haven’t had time to write anything profound. Or anything at all for that matter. Even now I’m stealing time from wrapping, decorating (no, I’m not done yet....) and baking. Not to mention laundry….We leave Friday morning to spend two days with Mom and Dad, and I’m still not ready. We’ll cook another relatively simple meal on Saturday, although from what I hear, my sister is too busy and tired to help. And the brother who often pitches in doesn’t come for Christmas. So once again, the load will fall on me. Problem is, I’ve been too busy to even delegate much or think about a simpler alternative. What we did for Thanksgiving worked—sort of. And most important, since this is my parents’ Christmas, I want to make it special for them. We’ll have a wonderful day with our best friends on the 25th and over a week with our son and DIL. Christmas at Mom’s is a blip for us, but for her, it’s all there is. And who knows how many more they will have.
I must confess that I’m preoccupied preparing for the 25th when our son and DIL come home. It saddens me that I have such joy preparing for them and feel only responsibility preparing for the celebration at Mom’s. I really do want to make it wonderful for her. Once again her family celebration is not on Christmas, but on the weekend before. She’s done that for years to assure getting the greatest number of us there. But even now, one son and DIL, one or two grandchildren, and at least three great grands won’t be there. And her husband is still in board and care, longing to come home.
When I talked to her tonight, she vacillated between anticipatory planning and crying. I know she’s tired, yet I know she will pick up the load my sister is dropping even if I tell her not to. She said that she had her doctor run a blood panel to see why she’s been feeling so bad, but everything came back “just fine.” Now what? Looks as if I need to try to get over to her next appointment.
I’d love to hear how other Gen Sandwichers are balancing Christmas celebrations and what you’ve done to lighten the load and increase the joy.
Labels: aging parents, Christmas, family, sandwich generation
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Baby Boomers Value Caring for Aging Parents more than Earlier Generation
According to a press release by the University of Southern California (USC), boomers place a higher value on caring for their aging parents than their parents’ generation did. These findings surprised the researchers, who expected to find concern waning as age decreased. They also found that women exhibited more concern for family than men did.I don’t know about the research, but it seems that everywhere I turn, I find women my age heavily involved in parent care. One friend provides most of the care and connection for her mother-in-law, spending one day per week with her. Another friend just returned from a trip to southern California to help her mother prepare for surgery. A teacher friend in Texas is responsible for the care of her mother who lives four hours away. A friend in Wyoming has had her mother living in her home for several years. And a friend in Arizona just moved her ailing grandmother into her home.
The women I know are conflicted about these responsibilities. We love our parents and want to serve them, and yet we’re not very good at juggling. We wish there were better answers. The combination of the emotional, time, and financial toll puts a strain on our relationships, our families, and our jobs. And yet, we’d never think of abandoning our parents. Even the ones who weren’t there for us. Family truly is a value for our generation.
Caring for our parents gives us an opportunity to test and prove our values. We put not only our money, but our lives, where our values are. It’s easy to say we believe in caring for them; it’s entirely another thing to do it. Day after day, week after week, year after year. Perhaps there’s hope for our generation after all. And hopefully we’re communicating these values to our kids, who will take our places as the caregivers as we take our parents’ places as the care receivers.
Labels: aging parents, Baby Boomers, family, values
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Holidays Decisions for Gen Sandwichers
Well, it’s time to make our holiday plans for the year. I always dread this time of year. What was always assumed—we’ll go to Mom’s—is no longer as easy as it used to be. It used to be that my sister and I would pitch in and the three of us managed to get a festive meal on the table. In our family, kitchen work is women’s work, so we’d often end of cleaning up as well—sometimes with a little help from my husband (whom I trained well from the beginning).Every year it becomes harder for Mom to host the holiday celebrations, yet she’s unwilling to give them up. She still wants the family to come “home” even though none of us has ever lived in their current home or even in their town. But home is where Mom is, and no on is willing to challenge that. I’ve offered, but since I live the farthest away, no one wants to drive that far. So each year, we gather at Mom’s for Thanksgiving and Christmas with the family.
Years ago Mom found a way to be sure that her whole family would be at the celebration. She gave up having the holiday on the Holiday. I guess it started when some had to work the Friday after Thanksgiving, so we moved our celebration to the Saturday after, and then eventually to the Saturday before. Makes travel easier and reduces the excuses. We also celebrate Christmas on the Saturday before December 25th, facilitating travel for all of us. However, for the past four years, that has meant that our son has missed out since he was away at school, and even now, lives too far to make the drive on a weekend
So as we prepare to celebrate Thanksgiving on the 18th, we now have other decisions to make. My sister has a serious back injury and can’t stand long enough to do much in the kitchen. Mom is growing more frail and is easily overwhelmed. My step dad is in a care home and may or may not be able to climb the steps into their home. And I have a hip in need of replacing. So what do we do? Mom still wants the family dinner with the big table and the smell of turkey roasting in the oven. But none of us can manage it anymore.
In the past, we’ve gone to restaurants but that really loses something in the translation. We’ve tried the dinners from Safeway, but there is still more prep than we have energy for this year. We’ve tried changing the menu to something easier, but then Mom and Dad feel they haven’t had a holiday. While the rest of us celebrate again on the actual day, they often are home alone or perhaps go to a community meal.
So the discussion is on again. Who has the energy and stamina to do what? Should we try a restaurant? Does anyone have a new idea? We need to decide pretty soon! But most important, we’ll all be together in one place and spend a day renewing our relationships, playing with the grandkids, and being “at home.”
As you think about your holidays, remember that being together is more important than what or where you eat or how fancy the table is or even what day you gather on. And remember that as our parents age, these times together become more precious to them as well as to us. We never know which holiday will be our last with them. So knowing that, how do we want to spend this Thanksgiving and this Christmas with them? What can we do to make the day special, whenever we celebrate?
Grhomeboy offers some additional thoughts about managing the holidays with our aging parents.
Labels: family, sandwich generation, Thanksgiving
Saturday, November 11, 2006
November is National Family Caregivers’ Month
Family caregiving is the bedrock on which our loved ones and our health care system depends. The services these family caregivers provide represent 80 percent of all home care services and are conservatively valued at $257 billion a year--more than twice the amount spent on paid home care and nursing home services combined.Caregivers, who may be anyone meeting the needs of a loved one with a chronic illness, provide a vast array of emotional, financial, nursing, social, homemaking and other services on a daily or intermittent basis.
An article from the Lafayette County (WI) Health Department suggests ways to honor and help these loving servants. Take a few minutes and thank a family caregiver today—and then do something to give them a break.
Labels: caregivers, family
Friday, November 03, 2006
Caring for the Ones We Love
I ran across this on an email. My apologies to the author, whose name was not attached. However, I wanted to share it with you since it expresses a wonderful sentiment and gives us something to think about in the midst of being smooshed. Why do we do it? Because our loved ones are worth it.A Keeper
I grew up in the 40s/50s with practical parents. A mother, God love her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the original recycle queen, before they had a Name for it... A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.
Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, and a dish-towel in the other. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress , Things we keep.
It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.
But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more.
Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never to return. So... while we have it... it's best we love it.... and care for it.... and fix it when it's broken...... and heal it when it's sick.
This is true. for marriage..... and old cars.... and children with bad report cards..... and dogs with bad hips.... and aging parents..... and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with.
There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special... and so, we keep them close!
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Welcome to the Sandwich Generation
“Making Your Parents' Golden Years Shine” by Will Andrews in Business Week Online suggests three tips for Gen Sandwichers to begin the process of staying aware of their parents’ declining abilities, even before they begin to need help. He suggests that we:1. Investigate. Keep an eye on things. Pay frequent visits to parents or elderly relatives in their homes or care facilities. Try to notice any changes—whether it's peeking in the refrigerator to check for a sudden lack of food or scanning the hallway desk for a pile of unpaid bills.
2. Prepare. Don't wait for a crisis—a sudden illness, injury, or other negative development—to start the process. With the help of your parents, do an assessment of the state of their health and finances. Make sure that all their important papers—wills, insurance policies, and the like—are up to date and readily accessible.
If you have access to eldercare referral services, give them a call. If you and your parents think a move to a care facility may be in the cards, be sure to visit the places under consideration, and ask as many questions as necessary.
3. Communicate. Keeping the lines open is essential, whether it's asking your parents about their needs and preferences, or keeping a smooth relationship among siblings as they try to share eldercare responsibilities. It's a good idea to establish a regularly scheduled time to talk with parents, siblings, or caregivers about how they're faring, and about your own concerns. You don't need to book a conference room; a cup of coffee at Dunkin' Donuts will do just fine.
Andrews concludes this post with his most important comment: One final thing to consider: We are part of a continuum. Our parents and grandparents also dealt with the joys and sorrows involved in looking after their aged mothers and fathers. Now it's their turn to be the recipients of their children's care and attention. And the way we treat our parents may be the example our children take with them when we reach our golden years. Here's to showing them the right path.
Labels: aging parents, eldercare, family, sandwich generation