Will Narcissism Compromise our Eldercare?
Those of us in the Boomer generation know that our prospects for receiving eldercare are not as good as those of our parents. For starters, we had fewer children to spread the load. While it takes two of us, plus my hubby, to care for Mom, Hubby and I have one son and one DIL. And in addition to us, they have her mom. And, they will hit the care giving stage at least ten years younger than we did -- while still caring for children at home. They will be more sandwiched than we are.
Add to this an article in Caregiving.com that suggests that the younger generation also lacks the emotional temperament to provide good care. They cite a culture of narcissism as a barrier to both family and institutional care from the younger generation.
The author describes a key element to narcissistic behavior as “chronic empathic failure: the ability or willingness to recognize, perceive, and relate to the emotions of another person, to experience the world from another’s point of view…empathy develops over time, reinforced constantly by positive experiences of emotional attunement with others….” He says the young generation risks "favoring self promotion over helping others" and may have a harder time forming relationships.
I'm grateful that our kids are not narcissistic. They do have empathy. But they're also very busy with their own lives. They care, but aren’t in a position to drop everything and sit at the hospital for a week like I've been doing. That’s the luxury of people my age. But how do we prepare them for the inevitable care giving they will need to do? Your thoughts?
Photo courtesy of Josep Ma. Rosell via Flickr Creative Commons
Labels: eldercare, narcissism, sandwich generation
Friday, July 24, 2009
Caring for Our Parents: Inspiring Stories of Families Seeking new Solutions to America’s Most Urgent Health Crisis – Part 2
Gleckmen says that the challenges facing Boomers are even worse than for today’s elderly. Boomers’ futures will be defined by three factors:
1) the vast number of those born between 1946 and 1964,
2) their rapidly increasingly life expectancy, and
3) profound changes in the nature of families.
Let’s look at that latter point. He says that we Boomers will begin to need assistance in a nation where half of women are unmarried, a third of children are born out of wedlock, and millions of adult children live far from their parents. In such a society, who will meet the unprecedented demand for the informal unpaid care that has been the bedrock of our long-term-care system? And if that free assistance is not available, who will pay for the care of these Boomers?
Gleckman says that Boomers have made more money than other generation in history, but have spent nearly all of it. Largely abandoned by the traditional pension system that supported their parents, yet unwilling to save for their own old age, the postwar generation will simply not have the economic resources to pay for both healthy retirement and ever more costly long-term care. This in the midst of an economy that is growing more slowly than before. As Boomers retire there will be fewer people to replace us, so the total number of Americans working will barely increase.
By 2030, more than 71 million Americans will be sixty-five-plus—almost twice as many as today. By mid-century, nearly 90 million (one in five) will reach that age. And the old-old will be the nation’s fastest growing age group. Today fewer than 6 million Americans are 85-plus, but by mid-century, 21 million will reach that age. As many will be 85 in 2050 as were 65 in 1930. Statistically, 85 will be the new 65. As a result more than 20 million seniors will need some long-term care by 2050, twice as many as in 2000. Six million of them will suffer severe disabilities. And, to add injury to insult, family caregivers will be older. Many 70-year olds will be caring for 95-year-old parents.
More than 14 percent of the postwar generation is divorced and almost that many never married. Therefore, more than one in four are heading into their sixties with no spouse to assist them in their old age. It’s also less likely that our kids will be there for us, partially because we have had fewer children. The typical Boomer mom averaged fewer than two children, compared with nearly three for her mom. And 40 percent of children born in 2007 were delivered to unwed mothers. What are the chances that, as adults, they will care for fathers or grandfathers they barely know? And even if these adult children have the inclination to help, will they be able to? Today nearly two-thirds of our children have jobs outside of the home and experts expect the number of working women to continue to grow. For them, caring for parents will be an even greater financial burden than it is for us today. Yet by mid-century, the elderly and disabled will need at least twice as many direct-care workers as they have today.
As much as I enjoyed this book, I was left with a profound sense of “now what?” Gleckman effectively points out the problems. He offers few solutions. Probably because there are few. If anything, this book points out the need for outstanding research and many small pilot programs before we attempt to change the entire American health care system in one fell swoop. We also need a good chunk of Reagan patriotism and responsibility. The naked truth is that government will not be able to solve this problem. It will take individuals, families, communities, and churches to assume more responsibility and demand less nanny care. Can we do it? Will we?
Labels: Baby Boomers, eldercare, long term care
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Caring for Our Parents: Inspiring Stories of Families Seeking new Solutions to America’s Most Urgent Health Crisis – Part 1
Howard Gleckman has written a captivating book that will challenge, inspire, and disappoint those of us caring for our aging parents, especially those of us who are Boomers. The book is readable and enjoyable, while at the same time providing lots of statistics and data in a very readable form.
The first half of the book tells compelling stories of how a variety of families are coping with eldercare needs using nursing homes, home care, family care, hospice, adult day care, and other solutions. He discusses the financial and practical challenges they face, including compromises that are forced by government rules and reimbursement. The thing that struck me the most in these chapters is the incredible lack of creativity and flexibility in all government reimbursement systems. Despite personal preference or financial common sense, the government has rules and people without personal resources are stuck. It’s a perfect reminder of what we’ll face if the government takes over even more of our care. The stories also point out what most of us doing eldercare already know: the ideas of the Boomers are not necessarily the ideas or preferences of the elder generation. What makes sense to me isn’t how my mom wants to live out her life. It’s not just me….
The second half of the book is chock full of statistics. Gleckman’s data is well documented in endnotes, but his style is conversational, even when discussing complex information, so even if you don’t like numbers, you’ll appreciate his interpretations. The net effect of these data was to make me realize how very serious our eldercare problems are and are becoming. And there really isn’t an answer. As an example, he notes:
“In 2005, America spent more than $200 billion for nursing home care, and other long term-care services. About half of that, or more than $100 billion was paid by the government, through our tax dollars. Most of the rest was financed by individual families, out of their own pockets. A small amount – less than ten cents out of every dollar – was covered by private insurance…. How much is $200 billion? Nearly $2,000 for every household in the nation.”
But the needs aren’t evenly distributed. “Three out of ten seniors will never require [eldercare]… “…two out of every three will need some period of personal assistance in their old age. About 17 percent will require help for a year or less, and many of them will get by with relatively little aid from family members or friends. However, more than half will need care for at least a year, and one our of every five will need help for five years or longer. Women are far more likely to need long-term care than men and the odds are nearly twice as high that they’ll need it for five years or more.”
Researchers estimated that 42 percent of sixty-five-year-olds will have no long-term care costs before they die and about 20 percent will have less than $10,000. However, about one out of every six will generate costs in excess of $100,000 and about one in twenty will incur expenses of more than $250,000.”
The cost of a nursing homes averages “$78,000 a year and home health agencies charge close to $20 an hour for aides.”
“Fewer than 7 million people have private long-term-care insurance…. Americans seem unable—or unwilling—to build up a financial reserve for their old age… Before the real estate and stock market collapses of 2008, the median net worth of all those over sixty-five, including their home, was somewhere between $110,000 and $150,000.”
He evaluates Medicare, Medicaid, pensions, retirement, long term care insurance, reverse mortgages and concludes – sadly – that there really are few good answers for today’s elderly. And the challenges are even worse for Boomers, whose future will be defined by three factors:
1) the vast number of those born between 1946 and 1964,
2) their rapidly increasingly life expectancy, and
3) profound changes in the nature of families.
Tomorrow we’ll look at his assessment of the Baby Boomer generation.
Labels: aging parents, Baby Boomers, eldercare, long term care
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Eldercare issues at work
CNNmoney.com has reprinted an article from Investors Business Daily discussing the toll eldercare takes on employees. The article reports that in 2005, 35% of the U.S. working population had faced elder care responsibilities in the previous year. And the problem will only increase. According to the U.S. Administration on Aging, the number of adults over the age of 65 will reach 40 million by 2010.To cope with the challenge faced by their employees, employers need to find ways to ways to help them balance their duel responsibilities. The National Study of Employers said that 79% of companies offer flexible work hours to allow staff to handle elder care issues, 50% of larger companies offer elder care resources and referrals, and 25% of companies with 50 to 99 employees also offer those services. This is a trend that will only increase.
Labels: eldercare, employees, employers
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Innovative program to keep seniors at home
The Salem News reports on a new program where adult children or other healthy adults are paid $18,000 per year to care for an elderly person at home. I’d like to know more about this program. It’s certainly a step in the right direction. While $18,000 isn’t a lot of money, especially for 24/7 care, it might provide just the incentive for a person to try to provide care at home. Especially since nursing homes in California are running upwards of $6,000 per month!It would be wonderful if the long-term care insurers would see the benefit of participating in such a program. Ours won’t allow payments to family caregivers. Too bad. They would actually save a lot of money, or we would be able to extend the benefits over a longer period of time if they would.
Labels: eldercare, federal assistance, long term care insurance
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Pending Crisis in Eldercare
Ken Connor writes about the present and pending crisis in eldercare in "Abused, Neglected and Forgotten: A Call to Conscience.” He says that three factors will soon place aging Americans at even greater risk in long term care facilities. Those factors are demographic, economic, and cultural. He doesn’t paint a pretty picture, especially for us Gen Sandwichers and suggests that we’re facing a multifaceted crisis that will require a multifaceted solution. Worth reading and considering…Labels: Baby Boomers, eldercare, sandwich generation
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
When Roles Reverse: A Tender Look at Caring for Aging Parents
I’ve been enjoying a wonderful book called When Roles Reverse: A Guide to Parenting Your Parents by Jim Comer. Jim tells his story in a tender, matter-of-fact, and candid manner.Following his father’s massive stroke and his mother’s Alzheimer's diagnosis, Jim found himself an overnight parent at the age of 51. He was a single professional enjoying life in Los Angeles when he received the call. Jim, an only child, jumped on a plane to Dallas and his world changed. While he was used to being the man who had all the answers, he soon learned that he didn’t even know the questions.
He tried to manage their care from a distance, but soon realized he needed to be closer, so he picked up his life and moved to Dallas. In When Roles Reverse, he shares the joys and sorrows over ten years of living the questions and learning the answers. He learned to deal with assisted living facilities, nursing homes, hospitals, rehab centers, and insurance companies, as well as his father’s deafness and his mother’s increasing dementia. Through it all, he managed to keep his sense of humor and develop a more intimate relationship with his parents.
I’ve been struck by the compassionate respect he shows, even when his life was obviously frustrating. In the process, he shares tips for dealing with aging parents, care facilities, and life. At the end of each chapter is a list of “Comer’s Commandments” that synthesize the main points. Although Jim isn’t a Gen Sandwicher, he has a lot to say to us about doing the right thing with panache.
Labels: aging parents, eldercare, encouragement, sandwich generation
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Eldercare Resources
US News and World Report offers a series of articles on caring for aging parents. They provide information on switching Medicare Part D plans, Long Term Care Insurance, the possibility of eldercare benefits from employers, and the new Medicaid rules which make it much harder for the elderly to get coverage. Great information, as well as a list of useful resources.MedicareAdvocacy.org provides “Part D by the Numbers,” a useful chart that compares the 2006 and 2007 benefits. It also includes helpful info on getting out of the donut hole. This is helpful. I spent a couple of hours at Mom’s reading the whole Medicare manual and I’ve gotta’ tell you, I’m more confused than ever.
And just a reminder. You have until December 31 to change your Part D Plan—assuming you can find something in your area that will serve your parents better—or you’re locked in for another year. In my parents’ area, there aren’t many options.
Labels: aging parents, eldercare, long term care insurance, Medicaid, Medicare
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Eldercare Survey
ElderCarelink, a leading Internet service that connects consumers to providers of services for the elderly, is sponsoring a study through a series of surveys designed to help identify and address the growing needs of family and professional caregivers. These Surveys will initially be sent to more than 50,000 families who have used ElderCarelink in their search for eldercare. Seventy five percent of these are sons and daughters looking for assistance in caring for their parents. The survey is also available to any additional caregivers, family or professional, who wish to participate at www.eldercarelink.com/research. The survey takes about 5-10 minutes to complete and will help Eldercare develop a comprehensive database on a diverse range of eldercare issues, ElderCarelink hopes to provide an important and up-to-date resource for those involved in caregiving.The evolving needs and issues (medical, financial and logistical) facing the 72 million Americans who will be 65+ in the next 25 years will affect virtually every family and business across the U.S. You might want to weigh in with your experiences.
Labels: eldercare
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Welcome to the Sandwich Generation
“Making Your Parents' Golden Years Shine” by Will Andrews in Business Week Online suggests three tips for Gen Sandwichers to begin the process of staying aware of their parents’ declining abilities, even before they begin to need help. He suggests that we:1. Investigate. Keep an eye on things. Pay frequent visits to parents or elderly relatives in their homes or care facilities. Try to notice any changes—whether it's peeking in the refrigerator to check for a sudden lack of food or scanning the hallway desk for a pile of unpaid bills.
2. Prepare. Don't wait for a crisis—a sudden illness, injury, or other negative development—to start the process. With the help of your parents, do an assessment of the state of their health and finances. Make sure that all their important papers—wills, insurance policies, and the like—are up to date and readily accessible.
If you have access to eldercare referral services, give them a call. If you and your parents think a move to a care facility may be in the cards, be sure to visit the places under consideration, and ask as many questions as necessary.
3. Communicate. Keeping the lines open is essential, whether it's asking your parents about their needs and preferences, or keeping a smooth relationship among siblings as they try to share eldercare responsibilities. It's a good idea to establish a regularly scheduled time to talk with parents, siblings, or caregivers about how they're faring, and about your own concerns. You don't need to book a conference room; a cup of coffee at Dunkin' Donuts will do just fine.
Andrews concludes this post with his most important comment: One final thing to consider: We are part of a continuum. Our parents and grandparents also dealt with the joys and sorrows involved in looking after their aged mothers and fathers. Now it's their turn to be the recipients of their children's care and attention. And the way we treat our parents may be the example our children take with them when we reach our golden years. Here's to showing them the right path.
Labels: aging parents, eldercare, family, sandwich generation