When Roles Reverse: A Tender Look at Caring for Aging Parents
I’ve been enjoying a wonderful book called When Roles Reverse: A Guide to Parenting Your Parents by Jim Comer. Jim tells his story in a tender, matter-of-fact, and candid manner.Following his father’s massive stroke and his mother’s Alzheimer's diagnosis, Jim found himself an overnight parent at the age of 51. He was a single professional enjoying life in Los Angeles when he received the call. Jim, an only child, jumped on a plane to Dallas and his world changed. While he was used to being the man who had all the answers, he soon learned that he didn’t even know the questions.
He tried to manage their care from a distance, but soon realized he needed to be closer, so he picked up his life and moved to Dallas. In When Roles Reverse, he shares the joys and sorrows over ten years of living the questions and learning the answers. He learned to deal with assisted living facilities, nursing homes, hospitals, rehab centers, and insurance companies, as well as his father’s deafness and his mother’s increasing dementia. Through it all, he managed to keep his sense of humor and develop a more intimate relationship with his parents.
I’ve been struck by the compassionate respect he shows, even when his life was obviously frustrating. In the process, he shares tips for dealing with aging parents, care facilities, and life. At the end of each chapter is a list of “Comer’s Commandments” that synthesize the main points. Although Jim isn’t a Gen Sandwicher, he has a lot to say to us about doing the right thing with panache.
Labels: aging parents, eldercare, encouragement, sandwich generation
Monday, October 23, 2006
Parenting Adult Children
As I’ve watched my son become an adult over the past several years, I’ve often said that parenting adult children is much harder than parenting any other stage. I guess that’s because we no longer have the rule of law on our sides. Only the rule of influence.Let’s face it. When the kids are little, we can simply pick them up and move them to where we want them to be. They may be kicking and screaming, but when reason fails, Mom and Dad still have the last word. As they grow to teen years, good communication goes a long way in maintaining a good relationship. But when reason fails at this stage, we usually still have the power of the purse and the power of position to persuade them to see things our way. Sure, I know that many kids rebel at this stage and parents feel powerless. But if we’ve not taken our roles too legalistically and have developed good communication in the first 13 years, we can make it through the teen years relatively unscathed.
But then, they’re off to college or work, and their world broadens. They’re meeting people we don’t know and making friends outside of our circle of influence. They’re developing romantic interests without our oversight. This is when we know if our family values have been communicated to the next generation.
We’ve been so pleased with the friends our son has chosen and the wife he married. But as he’s moved into adulthood, he’s made choices that we have frightened us. Choosing to get married younger than we would have preferred. Business decisions we aren’t sure he’s ready for. We trust him, but so often we cringe because we know that our role is no longer to give him the answers. It’s to give him wings and encouragement and trust. It’s to stand on the sidelines and cheer him on, no matter what decision he makes. It’s to pray that the decision he’s making is the right one. That’s so much harder than making his choices for him or even giving him advice, but so essential as we encourage him to become the man God created him to be.
Ann Gowans offers some good tips in an article in today’s Columbia Daily Tribune about parenting adults. For those of us in Gen Sandwich, giving our adult children the freedom to thrive helps to relieve the feeling of being smooshed.
Labels: adult children, encouragement, prayer, relationships, sandwich generation