Will Narcissism Compromise our Eldercare?
Those of us in the Boomer generation know that our prospects for receiving eldercare are not as good as those of our parents. For starters, we had fewer children to spread the load. While it takes two of us, plus my hubby, to care for Mom, Hubby and I have one son and one DIL. And in addition to us, they have her mom. And, they will hit the care giving stage at least ten years younger than we did -- while still caring for children at home. They will be more sandwiched than we are.
Add to this an article in Caregiving.com that suggests that the younger generation also lacks the emotional temperament to provide good care. They cite a culture of narcissism as a barrier to both family and institutional care from the younger generation.
The author describes a key element to narcissistic behavior as “chronic empathic failure: the ability or willingness to recognize, perceive, and relate to the emotions of another person, to experience the world from another’s point of view…empathy develops over time, reinforced constantly by positive experiences of emotional attunement with others….” He says the young generation risks "favoring self promotion over helping others" and may have a harder time forming relationships.
I'm grateful that our kids are not narcissistic. They do have empathy. But they're also very busy with their own lives. They care, but aren’t in a position to drop everything and sit at the hospital for a week like I've been doing. That’s the luxury of people my age. But how do we prepare them for the inevitable care giving they will need to do? Your thoughts?
Photo courtesy of Josep Ma. Rosell via Flickr Creative Commons
Labels: eldercare, narcissism, sandwich generation
Monday, March 05, 2012
One Last Visit?
My mom has reached the age where her friends are dying. Actually, she’s been there for several years. But as she ages, the number seems to increase. Last week there were three funerals at her church.
Among her closest, lifelong “tell-you anything” friends, three remain. One in Kansas. One in Wyoming. And one in California. You may recall that we took her on a trial trip in April 2010, hoping we could take her to Kansas and Wyoming to visit these friends, but first night out, she fell. We decided we couldn’t be out hours from a hospital and risk a fall, so we changed our plans and in October 2010 took her to the California town where she lived for many years before marrying my stepdad. She had a wonderful time with family and her best friend.
My mom is a traveler. She has a wanderlust heart. She needs to be moving all the time. But every time she threatens to drive to Kansas or central California, her mean oldest daughter (that would be me…) puts the kibosh on it. I feel bad, but I know what traffic is like out there. She hasn’t driven a road trip in almost ten years. She still thinks she can do it. Even when we take her on a trip and point out the crazy traffic.
So after several threats, hubby and I decided it was time to take her to visit her California friend again. We did that last week. It was a quick trip for her, a long trip for us. You see, in order to pull this off, we drive four hours to her, spend a couple of days doing medical appointments, then drive five hours to central California. We stay a couple of nights, then drive back five hours to her home, and four more to our home. It’s trips like this where we begin to feel our age! (It’s taken us over a week to recover from the utter TIRED we experienced).
So for all of this, she got one full day with her friend. They talked up a storm and made plans for when Mom will drive down for a longer visit, each knowing this could be their last time together. Mom is 90, her friend is 87.
I can’t imagine knowing that each goodbye could be the last. And yet, isn’t this a reality we all live with all the time? A friend’s 20-something son was just in a motorcycle accident and almost didn’t make it. My DIL’s dad (our age) passed away over Christmas following a two-year battle with cancer. I've been to several funerals for people of our generation in the last year. My sister has been critically ill for over a year. And hey, we live in California where we risk our lives just going to the store.
So I ask, how should we then live? I know I've become so much more intentional in my relationships. I treasure each time I'm with friends or family. I keep short accounts. I tell people what I value about them and how I appreciate them. I pray more for those I love. And I try to live like I want to be remembered.
So what do you do to live in the moment and treasure your relationships? What works for you? And how do you help your aging parent maintain their relationships with friends near and far?
Labels: elderly parents, long distance care giving, sandwich generation, travel
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Sandwich with a Pickle on the Side – Part 4
In July we took our son and DIL to Europe. It was a wonderful vacation, a much needed time of re-bonding for all of us. We didn’t have a cell phone that would work in Europe, so anytime I could find decent wifi I would try to Skype with Sis and Mom. Worked about once a week. As wonderful as the trip was, I admit my heart and mind were torn.
Then Sis’s primary physician managed to get her accepted by a specialist in SF. He admitted her to a tertiary care hospital there. She had some preliminary procedures while I was gone, and then on the morning after we returned home, she was scheduled for the bypass surgery. Naturally, our flight had mechanical delays, so our 10 hour flight took 17 hours. We arrived home at 1:30 am. I was at the hospital at 8:30 am for her surgery, which was cancelled as I walked in the door. Seems she had developed a heparin allergy and was throwing clots throughout her body.
Her 32 days in that hospital are a blur. They focused on thinning her blood and getting her off of the massive regimen of pain killers she had been on. About mid-way through the stay, the vascular surgeon decided that the risk was too great and he was unwilling to do the bypass. Plan B? Oh, no one had thought about it. When pressed, we were told hospice or amputation. But then, why did we think the amputation wound would heal? Oh yeah. OK, hospice.
Sis and her hubby weren’t thrilled with that plan, so she changed it to “live.” She also became more open to spiritual input that she had every been and began to put her faith in God. I spent eight to 10 hours per day with her Monday through Friday, then her hubby came for the weekend. She continued to focus on healing and living. By the end of her stay, everyone was amazed at her progress. Wounds were beginning to heal. She was more alert and managing on fewer pain meds. She was on her way.
She went back to the nursing home until her days ran out. Since mid August, she’s been at home with home nursing and PT. He hubby works, manages everything at home, and cares for her. I call her daily as well as Mom. Now where I make my monthly trip, I juggle appointments for both of them. And I'm back in school. Oh, and my hubby was able to get an appointment at the Parkinson’s Institute, which quickly turned into many appointments—medical, PT, speech, neuropsych. Yep, I can juggle three balls! Watch me.
So that’s my excuse. That’s why I haven’t been writing. I apologize. I'd like to promise I'll do better, but if you’re a GenSandwicher, you know I can’t promise that. I've become so aware of how little of my life is my own. I'm getting quite good at juggling, although I still don’t enjoy it. I'm learning to live in the present moment and not worry. I'm learning to take care of myself whenever, wherever I can. I do the most important things, and let the rest fall where it may. I've learned a lot, and now that I've given you the background, I can write shorter posts that will make more sense. At least to my regular readers. I'd love to hear of your experiences and what you’ve learned in caregiving. I know I'm not alone and I know I can learn from you as much or more than you can learn from me.
Photo Courtesy of Flickr/Deedoucette
Labels: hospital, sandwich generation
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Sandwich with a Pickle on the Side – Part 3
After a few weeks I began to notice that Sis’s speech was slurred and she’d fall asleep on the phone. Her hubby reported similar observations. I called the nursing home doc to go see her. They only need to see patients once every two weeks, so I knew he hadn’t evaluated her. From what I was hearing on the phone, I believed she was shutting down. He immediately sent her to the local ER, where the doctor told Sis she was dying. To go home and get her affairs in order. She and her hubby spent the night in tears as they awaited transfer back to the medical center. I drove over the next morning to begin another 10 day vigil.
From the beginning, I insisted that they transfer her to a tertiary care center. They had obviously done all they could at this facility. We started with the same hospitalist who had previously finished her stay – the one who refused a second opinion. Now he brought in one of the vascular surgeons I had requested the previous month. Most of her clots other than the one in the aorta had dissolved, and he thought they could now do the surgery. The vascular guy disagreed, saying he didn’t think that the wounds were caused by the aortal clot (which was what everyone else believed). Therefore, he was unwilling to do such a risky surgery on someone so compromised. Back to square one. Of course, if we could have had that evaluation six weeks earlier, it might have changed the course of her treatment. And of course, the hospitalists changed shifts again and we had another new doc. One who obviously had her orders and didn’t use a lot of independent judgment. I kept insisting that Sis be transferred; the doctor kept bringing in more specialists, and then said everything that could be done had been done. That a tertiary care center couldn’t do anything new. Therefore, no transfer...
The one thing they did during this admission was a nerve and muscle biopsy, via a sizable incision on her good leg. The surgeon was reluctant, but didn’t directly advise against it. Turns out we should have listened to the subtext. Since the surgery in June, she has been unable to flex her foot at the ankle or stand on it. Unfortunately, because all the wounds are on the left side, she needed the right leg for any standing or transfers.
While she was still in surgery, the case manager was beginning to plan her discharge. The nursing home where she had been for months refused to readmit her, supposedly because her Medicare days were running out and they don’t take MediCal (which Sis didn’t have anyway). Her hubby and I were left making arrangements with a different nursing home on my last afternoon there. The new facility was miles from their home, in the opposite direction from his work, and inconvenient for everyone. But they allegedly specialized in wound care. And they had an opening. I left, very frustrated. I had worked hard to develop relationships with the staff at the first nursing home. My family and I were leaving for Europe in less than a week, and now I had no relationships with the new staff. (Meanwhile, of course, Mom’s appointments continued, although I wasn’t able to manage all of them. Oh, and did I mention I was in grad school until mid-June.) (To be continued tomorrow...)
Photo Courtesy of Flickr/Deedoucette
Labels: hospital, sandwich generation
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Sandwich with a Pickle on the Side – Part 2
Thus began a 10-day ordeal. I stayed with her 8 to 10 hours per day, trying to connect with the many doctors they brought in to her see. What I learned was that in the hospital, doctors don't make appointments. They come at their convenience, stay less than five minutes, and leave. Since Sis was heavily sedated with pain meds and her hubby needed to work, if I wasn't there no one had no idea what was going on. Thus began a LONG game of hurry up and wait.
She kept complaining of abdominal pain, but no one would pay attention to us. She wasn’t there for an abdominal problem. They just wanted to find the cause of the sores, which were huge, deep, painful, and confusing. Finally, more to shut me up than because he believed he’d find something, the hospitalist ordered an abdominal CT scan. Much to his surprise, it showed that her aorta was blocked from about waist level to mid-thigh level. Both legs. The first we heard of this was when the vascular surgeon, who had previously declared, “It’s not vascular. Nothing for me here.” popped into the room and declared, “I’m doing a bypass.” Say what?
They decided to run some more scans. Meanwhile, the hospitalist with whom we had developed a relationship went off duty and we got a new one. Someone who had no history with her and no relationship. Since her chart now measured in the hundreds of pages, he wasn’t really up to speed on the case. But he popped in and just as glibly stated, “No surgery. She has more blockages.” When I finally got him to slow down and explain the problem, he drew a picture (very helpful) of all the known blockages and clots in her body. Because of the locations, the vascular guy who had planned the surgery reneged. Therefore, they were going to discharge her to the nursing home and have her come back after three to six months on blood thinners for reconsideration. Assuming she was alive by then. I asked for a second opinion from a list of vascular surgeons I had obtained. The hospitalist informed me that he was the second opinion. Period.
They kept her another couple of days, then moved her back to the nursing home where she got wound care and blood thinners, but no PT. The nursing home called in various pain management specialists, who kept tweaking (read: increasing) her meds. They had her so drugged she barely knew her name. The staff was wonderful. I could talk to the charge nurse several times per week, and even the doctor at times. But she wasn’t improving. They tried anything they could get insurance authorization for, but were turned down for some treatments that had potential value, like hyperbaric. Simply dealing with the insurance at this point became time- and energy-consuming. (To be continued tomorrow...)
Photo Courtesy of Flickr/Deedoucette
Labels: hospital, sandwich generation
Monday, October 10, 2011
Sandwich with a Pickle on the Side – Part 1
Where have I been? You may have noticed the scarcity of posts in recent months. I apologize for that. I've missed you. The problem is that since April, my GenSandwich plate has been overflowing. (Warning: this will be a long four-part post… That’s life these days. But these posts will lay the foundation for a lot of posts I want to write but that need a bit of context. This is the context.)
You know that I go to Mom's once a month to manage her medical appointments and keep an eye on her. Plus daily calls that seem to be more time-consuming… That eats a big chunk out of my month. As you long-distance care-givers know, a three-day trip consumes five to six days, when you add in packing and unpacking, preparation, and travel. And mind shift. Have you noticed that when you do your parent care responsibilities your mind is less able (unable?) to do other things? I seem to have a complete mind shift at Mom’s where I can't do much more than check email and handle her daily needs. So real life gets behind. Way behind.
In April Mom turned 90. We planned a big party for her. I think it was the first party anyone had every thrown for her. It was wonderful. The day before the party I had arranged to take my sister to a couple of specialty appointments. She had been dealing with horrible sores on her lower body and couldn't get a diagnosis, so I thought I could add a few appointments to my already-full plate. But that morning she awakened very light-headed and afraid. She didn't feel safe, so we took her to the ER. She was admitted to the hospital later that evening (yes, the ER consumed 8 hours of a busy day before a big party) and I returned to Mom's to a houseful of out-of-town guests I had not-so-wisely invited to dinner. The next day was devoted to the party, which was lovely. And tiring. Sis remained in the hospital for about a week, and then was discharged to the nursing home.
I stayed in touch with her every day and went back a month later to take her to some medical appointments, including the ones we had missed a month earlier. We juggled her appointments and Mom's. After one of my sister's appointments, we noticed that her arm was severely swollen. Off to the ER. I had an appointment with Mom that afternoon, so my hubby stayed with Sis. As I was dropping Mom off after her appointment, Hubby called to say that Sis had a blood clot in her PICC line and the local hospital couldn't handle it. (What??) She was being sent to a larger medical center about 30 minutes away. (I think the local hospital already realized they had nothing more to offer her, so used this opportunity to do a little patient dumping). Her hubby met us and we took off for the ER at the next hospital, where six hours later, she was admitted after a sweet little nurse came and pulled out the PICC line. Yep, that’s all it took. (To be continued tomorrow…)
Photo Courtesy of Flickr/Deedoucette
Labels: hospital, sandwich generation
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Squeezing Good Out of Bad
Is your life filled with lemons? Perhaps your life is fine, but someone you know is going through hard times. For example, two families in our small group have been forced to sell their homes in this down market. Another has a son in jail. I just learned today that my brother-in-law was laid off last week. And my brother expects to lose his job by the end of the year. My mom has been sick since Thanksgiving. Yep, times are tough for GenSandwichers and just about everyone else. And by all projections, getting tougher.My friend James Watkins has written a simple little book to offer hope and humor in the midst of the lemons. He shares the top ten ways to squeeze the good out of those life-puckering situations. And Jim is a great guide since he's felt the squeeze of cancer, unemployment, family crises and chronic nose hair. Join him on the journey of making lemonade with hope and humor. You can buy a hard copy or download an electronic version at his website OR, if you’re unemployed, he’s offering a free download!
Labels: book review, challenges, sandwich generation
Thursday, July 09, 2009
For Boomers, Recession is Redefining Retirement
A USA Today article sums up the current situation for many Boomers, especially GenSandwichers. In my last post, I lamented my opinions of the current conditions we are facing. Today I heard of another friend –a high level exec – who faces either a lay off or wage cut this month. The retirements many of us had planned for, hoped for, seem to be fading each day.
If you’re a Boomer, what stresses are you facing and are you doing to cope? Lets share our struggles and ideas.
Labels: Baby Boomers, retirement, sandwich generation
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Remember, It’s Independence Day!
I want to wish all of my readers a very blessed Independence Day and use this opportunity to write a post I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I hope you’ll bear with me as I rant. And forgive the length of this post. You’ll see that I feel rather strongly….jpg)
It seems that lately I’ve been just plain mad. All the time. Everywhere I turn, I see our country and our way of life being upended. While I’m not a fan of the present administration, this isn’t necessarily partisan. Rumblings started even while President Bush was in office. Some of that, I’m convinced, was anticipation of doom once the two presidential candidates were determined. Some of it was linked to Congressional incumbents who seem to have lifetime appointments no matter what they do. Nonetheless, we’ve been hit, and hit hard. I’m sure many of you have been as well.
My husband and I have worked hard all our lives. Before marriage, after marriage. We’ve lived most of our 30 years of married life on one income, and that not a big one. My husband was a mid-level government employee and never made much. But we were committed to my staying home and raising our son, so we made do. We live in an older three-bedroom, one bath home that we paid off as soon as we could. Sure, we could have taken our equity, which until last year was quite substantial, and moved to a bigger home. But that would have required a mortgage we weren’t sure we could afford, so we stayed put and made do with what we had. Now we’re being asked to bail out people who didn’t make the responsible decision. People who took on mortgages they couldn’t afford and shouldn’t have been given. Why?
We’ve always driven our cars until they died, saving for the next one and paying cash. Right now our cars are a 1996 and 1998, both with over 100,000 miles on them. Yet every day I hear ads from auto companies promising to make your car payment if you get laid off. What happened to good old-fashioned personal responsibility?
We use our credit cards to rack up miles and dollars. But we pay them off monthly and never spend more than we know we can afford. Yet every day I hear ads for credit counseling and consolidation saying, “Credit card debt? It’s not your fault?” Well, if it isn’t your fault, whose is it? We didn’t use their credit card and run up thousands of dollars debt. And frankly, we don’t want to pay for it. Yet Congress is now passing legislation to make credit easier for those who don’t pay and harder for me. (I understand that some people use credit during a layoff, but most I know continue spending at a level that makes hubby and I shake our heads. Hard times call for drastic measures. I know. We’ve been there several times over the years.)
Meanwhile, the President and Congress are pushing bill after bill to increase debt, bail out deadbeats, bail out businesses that should be allowed to fail, and build bridges to nowhere. They’re voting on bills to increase our energy costs based on junk science and bills to confiscate the decent health care coverage most of us have in order to cover a few more people who have made other choices or are in our country illegally.
This administration has increased the national debt exponentially. If President Obama's budget is implemented, CBO projects the national debt to reach an unprecedented and unsustainable 82.4 percent of Gross Domestic Product by 2019.
To add injury to insult, lawmakers don’t even pretend to read the bills or hold appropriate hearings anymore. Everything is an emergency that must be voted on without delay. Lawmakers seem to be controlled by some higher power, changing their vote on a dime. My dime, BTW.
We now have 31—count’em 31—czars running every aspect of government. These Czars are 1) not accountable to Congress, 2) paid what ever Obama decides to pay them, at our expense, 3) can claim executive privilege if called to testify before Congress, 4) set policy for the cabinet secretaries, and 5) are so radical they would never have received Senate approval. What happened to our representative republic?
So what does this have to do with being a GenSandwicher? Here’s the deal. We worked hard all our lives. Lived within our means. Paid our bills. Now because of monumental failed policies and failed consumer confidence, with a little corruption thrown in here and there, we’ve lost about half of our net worth. That’s the net worth we were counting on for retirement. After being responsible all our lives, we expected to be able to retire comfortably, travel, and perhaps even leave a little nest egg to our son. At a minimum, not be a burden on him. Now we wonder if we’ll have enough to live out our lives or if we’ll be working at WalMart when we’re 80. No one is bailing us out because we’re responsible. Our taxes and expenses are increasing, lowering our standard of living. We didn’t even benefit from the most recent stimulus package because we aren’t working and aren’t collecting Social Security. And now we’re being warned of inflation on the level of the Jimmy Carter years.
To add injury to insult, in the process of confiscating the wealth of our generation and the next, this administration and the Congress are rushing headlong into Socialism, nationalizing private industries at will. In previous downturns, we’ve been able to assume that what goes down will go back up and even invest while stocks are on sale. But this time, it seems that the rules have changed and continue to change, creating an atmosphere of uncertainty. When bondholders holders at GM can arbitrarily be subordinated to the unions which caused the problem in the first place, how can anyone invest in confidence? When profitable auto dealers who contributed to Republican politicians are summarily closed by the Car Czar while failing dealerships that contributed to Democrats remain open, how can small business owners make confident decisions? We are turning into a third world country and no longer know what rules are, so we sit in fear, knowing that even under the best circumstances, we wouldn’t live long enough to recover what we’ve lost. And these aren’t the best circumstances…
Folks, I’m concerned for our nation. Our freedoms. Our independence. And I’m concerned for our personal lives. The nation the founders created, our forefathers fought for, and we’ve worked for is being dismantled. I love this country. I love the life and the freedom and the prosperity we enjoy. I came up out of abject poverty because of the opportunities I had in this nation. I pray that Americans will wake up and do whatever it takes to defend our liberties and our way of life. Before it’s too late. Remember, it’s INDEPENDENCE DAY. What do you think?
Labels: government, health care, sandwich generation, tax increases
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Mom Medical Update
Photo: picapp.com
Well, I’m at Mom’s again. We had three medical appointments yesterday and another skin cancer surgery today. This one is on her cheek. We’re weary and she’s in a lot of pain tonight. I haven’t felt like doing much else while here. I’d love to help her begin eliminating some of the junk and clutter (although she doesn’t have as much as many elderly), but for some reason I lose energy when I’m here. After rushing from medical appointment to medical appointment, I run out of steam.
Meanwhile, back home, hubby has not been feeling well. He stayed home to see his doctor and had a CT scan today. No results yet, but we are praying that it’s nothing serious. It was a tough call to decide whether to come here or stay home with him. I figured he was somewhat more able to manage getting himself to his appointments than Mom was to hers. But I feel smooshed again.
I’m grateful for the good medical coverage we all have, and am aware that under most nationalized health programs, Mom would not have been given surgery for squamous and basal cell carcinoma. Not at her age. And if she had been able to get approval, it wouldn’t have been as quickly. And hubby was able to get a CT scan within 24 hours. Contrast this with a story out of Canada that I read just today regarding a 30-year old man trying to get treatment for a malignant melanoma. After fighting for two months to get approval, he’s being sent to a facility four hours away (in the US, by the way) when a facility just over the border could provide the same care. Folks, enjoy our excellent care while you can.
Labels: aging parents, medical care, national health care, sandwich generation
Thursday, May 21, 2009
One Of Those Weeks
It’s been one of those weeks. We are at Mom’s. She has several skin cancers that need to be removed over the next several weeks. She had the first and worst one done yesterday. She saw a Mohs micrographic surgeon, who removed a piece of skin roughly one inch by two inches from the middle of her forehead. Yikes! He barely got the wound closed. Needless to say, she’s in incredible pain. Unfortunately, her skin heals very slowly. They want her to return to remove the stitches next week, but I can’t imagine it will be healed by then.
The Mohs surgery is pretty amazing. They remove the cancer and then examine it under a special microscope to make sure they got it all. Some of the margins were not clear, so after an hour of waiting (sitting there with this huge open wound) the doctor came back in and removed more. This time (and hour later) the margins were clear and he was able to stitch her up. Amazing technology. Exhausting day.
Today I took her to her primary doc for an unhealed wound on her leg – from her last fall. Her leg has been swelling and yesterday it was quite inflamed. He thinks it’s doing OK even though it’s been weeks. She has another cut on her arm – also not healing well. And she has three more skin cancers to remove. This is going to be a long summer for all of us.
I feel bad that I need to leave tomorrow, but I have class on Saturday and a party on Monday for friends from the east coast that we haven't’ seen in at least 15 years. My brother is coming to help Mom out for the weekend. Every time I experience this, I wonder what my only-child son and DIL will do. Smooshed anyone?
Labels: Mohs, sandwich generation, skin cancer, surgery
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Happy Mothers Day
I want to honor each and every mother among my readers today, especially those Gen Sandwichers who are mothering both children and parents. It’s so easy to feel smooshed when you’re in that position. You’re juggling car pools and medical appointments, homework and housework. You may manage finances not only for your own family, but also for your parents. Some of you manage to hold down a job outside the home as well. You live on too little sleep and too much junk food. You put your needs last on that never-ending list. You are indeed champions. I admire you and I honor you. I hope you’ll be able to take a few minutes for yourself today. I hope your loved ones will honor your as well. You deserve it. I know that God sees every sacrifice you make, and He honors you. Happy Mothers Day and God bless!Labels: Mother, Mother's Day, sandwich generation
Sunday, April 19, 2009
More Health Problems
When I’m hit with such diagnoses, I find myself feeling smooshed again. In addi-tion to the normal concern for Mom, I confess panic at the thought of trying to schedule more than my monthly trips to her home four hours away. A trip now takes at least four days, including travel. I have class every other Saturday this quarter and am still staggering under the graduate workload. I’m also trying to work, but find that harder every week. I’m so thankful that I’m self-employed so I can determine my workload to a greater extent than if I were working for someone else. But I also find that when I’m at Mom’s I don’t multi-task well, so I always fall behind.
I talked to my brother tonight. He’ll handle the weekends following the surger-ies. Hopefully my sister can help. But once again, the responsibility for planning, scheduling, and much of the care falls to my hubby and I. I’m so grateful that I can serve in this way, but I confess. I feel smooshed. Any ideas on long distance care giving would be appreciated!
Labels: medical care, sandwich generation
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Stimulus Bill Endangers the Health of the Elderly and the Rest of Us
Buried about midway into the Stimulus package is language that will affect every Gen Sandwicher and every elderly person.Section 3001 establishes the office of The National Coordinator For Health Information Technology and requires the establishment of “an electronic health record for each person in the United States by 2014.” The electronic systems will be required to “ensure the comprehensive collection of patient demographic data, including, at a minimum, race, ethnicity, primary language, and gender information.” The law would require all health care providers, health plans, or health insurance issuers to implement these systems.
I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t want my medical records in a federal database. Imagine the risks to privacy, regardless of the assurances in the bill. How often do we hear of breeches in electronic security as employees walk off with laptops? And imagine the cost to the medical system. Costs that will not provide patient care, but rather, “information systems” that will then be aggregated for government purposes.
Even more frightening, according to Betsy McCaughey on Bloomberg.com, are provisions that require the National Coordinator of Health Information Technology, to “monitor treatments to make sure your doctor is doing what the federal government deems appropriate and cost effective. The goal is to reduce costs and ‘guide’ your doctor’s decisions. These provisions in the stimulus bill are virtually identical to what Tom Daschle prescribed in his 2008 book, “Critical: What We Can Do About the Health-Care Crisis.” According to Daschle, doctors have to give up autonomy and “learn to operate less like solo practitioners.” Daschle says health-care reform “will not be pain free.” He says that seniors must be more accepting of the conditions that come with age rather than expecting treatment.
According to McCaughey, Medicare now pays for treatments deemed safe and effective. The stimulus bill would change that and apply a cost- effectiveness standard set by the Federal Council in a plan modeled after a U.K. board discussed in Daschle’s book. This board approves or rejects treatments using a formula that divides the cost of the treatment by the number of years the patient is likely to benefit. Treatments for younger patients are more often approved than treatments for diseases that affect the elderly, such as osteoporosis. In 2006, a U.K. health board determined that elderly patients with macular degeneration had to wait until they went blind in one eye before they could get a costly new drug to save the other eye. It took almost three years of public protests before the board reversed its decision
In essence, this bill opens the back door to a National Health program. It’s dangerous to Boomers and more dangerous to our parents. There are still three Republicans (Spector, Collins, and Snowe) who are voting for the bill, as well as all Democrats. If you care about your health care, you might want to weigh in.
Labels: Baby Boomers, elderly, health care, sandwich generation, stimulus
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
12 Tips to Keep Joy in the Holidays
John Grohol offers 12 Tips to Keep Joy in the Holidays. Important reminders for everyone, but especially for Gen Sandwichers who are trying to keep more than the usual number of plates spinning.Labels: Christmas, sandwich generation
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Learning to Juggle
My week has gone amazingly well, making me believe that perhaps I haven’t lost my touch after all. I used to be quite good at juggling big projects. Back in the days when I owned a consulting company I handled multiple multi-million dollar projects at a time and loved it. Then I started home schooling and gave up that life. For the next 18 years, I just juggled multiple academic subjects and a few miscellaneous projects. In recent years, I feel as if I’ve gotten sloppy, although I’ve remained busy. But last week tested my abilities.Monday all of the players met at the rental property – insurance adjuster, dry out contractor, rebuild contractor, flooring contractor, and tenant. I was amazed at how fast it went. Everyone arrived at the same time and we were done within an hour. We went over to select the flooring and were out of town in less than two hours. Amazing. I had expected it to take the entire afternoon.
We drove on to Mom’s and brought in dinner. The next day we had two doctor’s appointments, and one the following day. Bottom line--more tests. I’m beginning to wonder if we’ll ever get an accurate diagnosis. I feel like I’m getting a medical degree in addition to my theology degree! She’ll do some more diagnostics and we’ll reconvene in a month.
Meanwhile, we noticed a problem with her water. It comes out brown! Yuk! So we talked to a bunch of people, brought in a plumber, and found that her galvanized pipes are beginning to corrode. So, do we invest several thousand dollars to re-pipe the house? It’s unlikely that we’ll recoup the expense if we need to sell in the next few years, but we can’t leave it as is. She’s already developed a GI problem, possibly from the water… So once again, more things I don’t know how to do.
I’m learning to rely on my intuition and make decisions, knowing that some will be right and some will be wrong. Hopefully the important ones will be the right ones!
To top off our sandwich, we visited our son and DIL in southern CA to celebrate her birthday. We’ve had a wonderful time visiting with them and several of their friends. Now, home to make plumbing decisions, finalize the rental and the remodel, and get ready for school to start.
I keep thinking it’s going to slow down and get easier. Silly me. However, I do believe that this is great prevention for Alzheimer's! I feel as if I’m giving my brain a real workout.
Labels: aging parents, decision-making, sandwich generation
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Another Busy Month
It’s been another busy month. I feel like a juggler, and I often feel sure that I’m going to drop something. We’ve continued the remodel and are almost done. Hubby has painted the room and I’m still decluttering hundreds of pounds of old files and records. Carpet was supposed to be installed Thursday, but someone messed up and it isn’t even shipping until Monday. Unfortunately, Monday we leave for about 10 days to keep our GenSandwich card active. So, it won’t be installed until we get back, making the move in very tight before school starts.We own some rental property about 100 miles from here and had a water leak that has damaged the floor. I’ve been on the phone all week dealing with the tenant, insurance company, and contractors, trying to figure out what to do. I hate jobs that are 1) expensive (meaning a high risk of failure) and 2) that I’ve never done before (meaning a high risk of failure). I think I have it mostly figured out and Monday we will meet with all the players to finalize everything.
From there we’ll go on up to Mom’s. The rheumatologist we saw last month questioned the primary’s diagnosis and wanted more tests. All month Mom has been getting diagnostic test. We’ll get the results and see three specialists Tuesday and Wednesday. Meanwhile, Mom has been feeling worse and has been housebound more than usual. I’m really concerned that she’s not going to be able to live alone for much longer. That will leave us with a decision that is 1) expensive (meaning a high risk of failure) and 2) that I’ve never done before (meaning a high risk of failure). And this one is my mom…
Midweek, after all the doctor appointments, we’ll drive to southern CA for the other half of our sandwich and visit the kids, celebrating our DIL’s birthday. It will be good to see them again. That I know how to do! Then we’ll come home and have the carpet installed. And then school starts. And that I know how to do!
Labels: aging parents, busy, medical care, sandwich generation
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Still Feeling Smooshed
Thanks to all who have sent good wishes regarding our latest saga. Brother #2 was able to get a week’s vacation and did an amazing job caring for Mom and arranging all of the care she needed while we flew off to a graduation.He’s never done anything like this before. I’ve handled all of the medical, legal, and financial details, so dealing with doctors, home health, Meals on Wheels, and Life Alert stretched him tremendously. I was very comfortable with the decisions he made. We talked a couple of times per day and I was able to help him decide who to call and what questions to ask, but it was up to him to understand the details and sign the contracts. As far as I can tell, he did fine.
I’m writing this from the Chicago airport on our way home. We have two days to do laundry and open the mail. I have class all day Saturday, and then our plan is to go over to Mom’s on Sunday or Monday so I can see for myself how she’s doing. When I talk to Mom, she’s always upbeat and tells me she’s doing just fine. Unfortunately, she doesn’t always tell me the truth. In the past she’s fallen and even blacked out and never told me. So I don’t trust her words. That’s so frustrating. How do you deal with that?
I must confess that I’m frustrated with needing to go over next week. We traveled to see our son and DIL in late April/early May. We were home for a week, with an all day class and then left for this trip. We’ve been gone since the 13th and are exhausted. I was so looking forward to staying home for a while and getting my garden in. I’m already late for California; I’ll be harvesting for Thanksgiving! I know—welcome to Gen Sandwich….
Labels: aging parents, sandwich generation
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Four Days at Mom's
I told you about the crazy month up to Easter. We had a lovely dinner with friends and family. On the Tuesday after Easter, we had to rush the kids out by 11:00 so we could get to Mom’s by 3:00. We had an appointment with her attorney to do her taxes. She’s always had them done at the Senior Center by AARP, but with my step dad’s death last year, her advisor thought he should do them this year. We made it to town by 3:00 for our 4:00 appointment. Looks like she won’t have to pay, and will even get her little piece of the economic stimulus refund.The next day we had an appointment with her primary care doc. Mom has been sick since before Christmas. She had a viral infection that turned into walking pneumonia. When she first got it, all she had was a tight, burning in her back. No other symptoms. She assumed it was pleurisy and was ignoring it, but I was concerned about pneumonia. The first time she went to the doctor it was just a bacterial infection. He gave her antibiotics. When she went back a few weeks later, she had walking pneumonia. He gave her prednisone and an anti-depressant. She also had a bad case of laryngitis, making it impossible for her to talk for more than a few minutes. This has continued. Her doc had run some lab work and now thinks she has polymyalgia rheumatica (PMR), diagnosed by a high sed rate. I guess this is a fairly common diagnosis for seniors, but I had never heard of it. The symptoms seem to fit, however. More prednisone at a higher dosage. (However, since taking it she now has a rash, so he’s stopped it until we see him next week.)
The next day we had an appointment with her hematologist who is following some odd blood protein disorder, which he thinks is MGUS (Monoclonal gammopathy of unknown significance), which apparently isn’t very significant unless it turns into multiple myoloma. Of course, she calls him her cancer doctor, already having determined that it’s lethal.
While there, I sorted and shredded a lot of old financial records. I’m blessed that Mom isn’t in denial. She knows her time is limited and she suggested that we get started sorting through stuff she doesn’t need to keep. We drove home on Friday, pretty tired.
I’m finding that spending that long with her is very wearing on me. Everything is a catastrophe. Everything is more serious that it is. She is a terrible worrier, as if that were going to add a minute to her life.
I’ve spent the past week just trying to get caught up here. After my busy month there were the usual bills to pay, mail to open, and work to try to get caught up with. I spent far too long looking for things I remember putting somewhere…. I worked too hard and too long, and now am sick. I had been fighting it all month with lots of Wellness Formula, an amazing immune system booster which has kept me healthy for the past two years. But, yesterday I felt myself losing the battle. Today I’m resting, juicing, and trying to not let it sink into a full-blown cold. We’re supposed to go back to Mom’s on Wednesday to celebrate her birthday and be with her for the anniversary of step dad’s death. As fragile as she is, there’s no way I can go if I’m sick. So today I’m resting in my recliner doing what I can from here and dozing.
Labels: aging parents, sandwich generation
Monday, November 19, 2007
Another resource for Gen Sandwichers
Backed by $6 million in venture and tested by 2,000 users, Caring.com targets the roughly 34 million adults providing personal aid, financial assistance, or both, to an older family member.According to MSNBC, the Web site covers everything from what to ask when a parent receives a cancer or Alzheimer's disease diagnosis, how to assess driving skills, information on financial, housing and end-of-life issues, to tips for dealing with a difficult sibling.
It uses the latest technology that allows users to assign a rating to articles, which are then ranked according to usefulness.
While the site aims to be a one-stop-shop for information, Andy Cohen, chief executive and co-founder, said the site is also a community for caregivers — mostly 'baby boomers' born between 1946 and 1964 — who can feel overwhelmed by responsibility and isolated from friends.
Labels: caregivers, sandwich generation