One Last Visit?
My mom has reached the age where her friends are dying. Actually, she’s been there for several years. But as she ages, the number seems to increase. Last week there were three funerals at her church.
Among her closest, lifelong “tell-you anything” friends, three remain. One in Kansas. One in Wyoming. And one in California. You may recall that we took her on a trial trip in April 2010, hoping we could take her to Kansas and Wyoming to visit these friends, but first night out, she fell. We decided we couldn’t be out hours from a hospital and risk a fall, so we changed our plans and in October 2010 took her to the California town where she lived for many years before marrying my stepdad. She had a wonderful time with family and her best friend.
My mom is a traveler. She has a wanderlust heart. She needs to be moving all the time. But every time she threatens to drive to Kansas or central California, her mean oldest daughter (that would be me…) puts the kibosh on it. I feel bad, but I know what traffic is like out there. She hasn’t driven a road trip in almost ten years. She still thinks she can do it. Even when we take her on a trip and point out the crazy traffic.
So after several threats, hubby and I decided it was time to take her to visit her California friend again. We did that last week. It was a quick trip for her, a long trip for us. You see, in order to pull this off, we drive four hours to her, spend a couple of days doing medical appointments, then drive five hours to central California. We stay a couple of nights, then drive back five hours to her home, and four more to our home. It’s trips like this where we begin to feel our age! (It’s taken us over a week to recover from the utter TIRED we experienced).
So for all of this, she got one full day with her friend. They talked up a storm and made plans for when Mom will drive down for a longer visit, each knowing this could be their last time together. Mom is 90, her friend is 87.
I can’t imagine knowing that each goodbye could be the last. And yet, isn’t this a reality we all live with all the time? A friend’s 20-something son was just in a motorcycle accident and almost didn’t make it. My DIL’s dad (our age) passed away over Christmas following a two-year battle with cancer. I've been to several funerals for people of our generation in the last year. My sister has been critically ill for over a year. And hey, we live in California where we risk our lives just going to the store.
So I ask, how should we then live? I know I've become so much more intentional in my relationships. I treasure each time I'm with friends or family. I keep short accounts. I tell people what I value about them and how I appreciate them. I pray more for those I love. And I try to live like I want to be remembered.
So what do you do to live in the moment and treasure your relationships? What works for you? And how do you help your aging parent maintain their relationships with friends near and far?
Labels: elderly parents, long distance care giving, sandwich generation, travel
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Caring for Mom
I’m at Mom’s today. Came over for a follow-up doctor appointment. She had been having abdominal pain for months, and every visit the doctor would poke around and say he didn’t feel anything. Finally last visit he agreed to a CT scan to rule out any number of possible culprits. I know Mom was worried about it being something serious, so I drove over today to be with her—just in case.The good news is that that CT was clear. No problems. So what’s causing the pain? The doctor thinks it’s probably adhesions from surgeries many, many years ago. The bad news is that there is nothing that can be done for those, so she will continue to live in pain.
I’m realizing that as she ages, there will be more and more that medicine can’t fix. Aches and pains that she will have to live with. She has terrible problems with her feet, and although she’s seeing a good podiatrist, there’s little he can do. She’s suffering from peripheral neuropathy, but again, what can be done?
I confess, I expect medicine to be able to fix and cure and make life better. The reality is that the older we become, the less likely it is to make a measurable difference.
I also think that with Mom there is a bit of the victim mentality. Although she says she doesn’t need me to come all the time, I think she is enough of a drama queen to make sure I have reasons to come back fairly regularly. She wants to be independent, but she also wants to know that someone cares.
I try to get her to exercise, which I think is perhaps the most effective thing she can do. Just keep moving. But she hates exercise—I knew I came by that dislike honestly! It’s so easy for her to procrastinate until it’s too late. Her mobile home park has a pool, so she should be able to get some good water aerobic exercise this summer—if she’s willing to change her clothes and drive to the pool… When I’m here we always go to the pool and she always admits it feels good. But if no on is here to push, she’s too tired… I still haven’t learned to motivate her.
I spent the evening filling out forms for insurance, change of beneficiaries, change of title, and all the other legal mumbo jumbo that we have to do. The good news is that I think we got it all done. At least the pile she had saved for me. Tomorrow we’ll meet with the attorney again and do more paperwork, and then it’s home for a busy weekend.
Labels: aging parents, long distance care giving
Monday, March 19, 2007
A Busy Visit to Check on Aging Parents
We spent two days at Mom’s last week. Another difficult and frustrating time. The main purpose of my visit was to attend her doctor’s appointment. We had been concerned about a screening result she had received, but her doc wasn’t at all concerned. I’m not sure he’s doing a good job for her. He seems to be so nonchalant and unconcerned about every symptom we bring him. But she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings by switching. My step dad, on the other hand, switched from him upon discharge from the nursing home. His new doc seems to be doing a good job, although Mom thinks he’s too young. I haven’t been able to attend any of those appointments, so can’t really evaluate him.Meanwhile, Mom is even more frail than last month. Tired and frail. And discouraged. Feeling the loss of all she had loved. And in the process, she’s not being realistic. She wants to take Dad out on day trips, but can’t think clearly about what she would do it there was a problem. She’s becoming more childlike in her thinking and reasoning abilities.
And Dad isn’t much better. He resents the fact that she can’t (he thinks “won’t”) bring him home. Neither of them understands that 24/7 care is very different from a couple of hours. And a couple of hours wear her out. But neither of them can hold that in their minds long enough to understand. I don’t think there is dementia. They manage well in most other ways. But in this area, their wants outweigh their common sense. It breaks my heart to watch them trying to cope with all their losses.
While there, I was able to have a care conference with Dad’s caregiver, arrange home PT for him, take him out to dinner, arrange a new phone service for Mom, review their finances, transcribe the phone messages Mom couldn’t hear, and arrange for mail order prescriptions. And visit and hopefully encourage them. There never seems to be enough time to do all I want to do, so I always leave feeling smooshed.
Labels: aging parents, long distance care giving, loss
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Daily call helps keep seniors healthy
Here’s a new twist on keeping track of your parents. A high-tech Wayzata, MN company called Warm Health is using automated phone contact to help seniors stay healthy and independent in their own homes, while giving their adult baby-boomer children an online glimpse of how their elderly folks are faring.According to an article in the Minneapolis-St. Paul StarTribune.com,
it's not quite Nanny-cam for seniors. But as 22 million American families provide some level of care for elderly relatives, the computerized calls are an innovative soft monitor for concerned baby boomers who often live in other cities and find themselves overstretched, juggling jobs and caring for teens, but with aging parents who want to be independent.
The daily four-minute Warm Health phone calls begin with a spiritual or nostalgic message--the senior gets to choose--and conclude with health tips and health questions. The seniors' recorded responses to those questions appear on the Warm Health website, accessible for designated family members to view and hear. The calls are one small answer in addressing the isolation and loneliness that can erode seniors' health. They also address the problem of seniors forgetting to take medications, the major cause of an estimated 125,000 drug-related deaths a year among elderly Americans.
For this holiday season Warm Health is providing a free 30-day trial to provide a lift for your loved one. The monthly fee after that is $34.95/mo.
What do you think? I’m not sure my mom would delight in receiving a computerized call every day. A nuisance, she’d say. But for those who are more home bound, it might be an option.
Labels: aging parents, long distance care giving, seniors