A Busy Visit to Check on Aging Parents
We spent two days at Mom’s last week. Another difficult and frustrating time. The main purpose of my visit was to attend her doctor’s appointment. We had been concerned about a screening result she had received, but her doc wasn’t at all concerned. I’m not sure he’s doing a good job for her. He seems to be so nonchalant and unconcerned about every symptom we bring him. But she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings by switching. My step dad, on the other hand, switched from him upon discharge from the nursing home. His new doc seems to be doing a good job, although Mom thinks he’s too young. I haven’t been able to attend any of those appointments, so can’t really evaluate him.Meanwhile, Mom is even more frail than last month. Tired and frail. And discouraged. Feeling the loss of all she had loved. And in the process, she’s not being realistic. She wants to take Dad out on day trips, but can’t think clearly about what she would do it there was a problem. She’s becoming more childlike in her thinking and reasoning abilities.
And Dad isn’t much better. He resents the fact that she can’t (he thinks “won’t”) bring him home. Neither of them understands that 24/7 care is very different from a couple of hours. And a couple of hours wear her out. But neither of them can hold that in their minds long enough to understand. I don’t think there is dementia. They manage well in most other ways. But in this area, their wants outweigh their common sense. It breaks my heart to watch them trying to cope with all their losses.
While there, I was able to have a care conference with Dad’s caregiver, arrange home PT for him, take him out to dinner, arrange a new phone service for Mom, review their finances, transcribe the phone messages Mom couldn’t hear, and arrange for mail order prescriptions. And visit and hopefully encourage them. There never seems to be enough time to do all I want to do, so I always leave feeling smooshed.
Labels: aging parents, long distance care giving, loss
Monday, November 20, 2006
Attitudes on Aging and Loss
While at Mom’s, we talked about the many losses she’s faced this year. Dad has been in care for almost a year and a half. They’ve lost their hopes and dreams of traveling, enjoying the remaining years of their lives together, doing the things they enjoy. They’ve lost many friends this year. Finances are getting tight. It’s hard for her to look forward to what lies ahead when all she sees is what she’s lost.I try to encourage her to find joy in life, to be thankful for what they still have together, to enjoy their memories, and to take care of herself. I see the fruit of depression in her aches and pains and her outlook on life. I printed out the American Heart Association’s Caregiver Manual and encouraged her to read it and work through some of the journal pages. I doubt that she will, but I keep trying.
As I’ve watched her this year and as I’ve faced my own health issues, I’m making a concerted effort to focus on what I CAN do and what I DO have to look forward to. I want to be a delightful older woman, not a depressed or cranky one. I can’t control the circumstances I’ll face, but I want to control the way I face my circumstances. An important skill for Gen Sandwichers who want to avoid feeling smooshed.
Labels: aging parents, attitude, loss, sandwich generation, self care