Looking at Assisted Living
Today was a landmark day in our family. We looked at our first assisted living facility.
When I arrived at Mom’s, I suggested that we might want to begin looking at what’s available in her town for the next step. She was quite resistant, but I pressed a bit. I’ve been concerned as I’ve talked to her on the phone, and after my brother’s last visit, he emailed to day that he was getting more concerned about her ability to live alone. So, I decided to broach the unbroachable. I kept it low-key. Let’s just look. No commitments. No contracts. Let’s just see what the options are so that I won’t have to make a sudden decision without her input. She finally agreed and I was able to make one appointment for today and one for tomorrow.
Before we went, I read and printed a comprehensive Consumer Checklist from the American Health Care Association and National Center for Assisted Living. Although I didn’t refer to it while we were there, it was very helpful to have read in advance.
Both facilities I called invited us to come for a meal. The director took us on a tour of the facility, and then we enjoyed a light supper in the dining room. We had no staff with us during dinner, so I got bold. I went over to the next table asked the ladies how they liked the facility. They were very gracious and gave me what sounded like an honest assessment –good points and bad points.
Tomorrow we go to another facility. It’s hard to think of Mom living in one room. She’s not there now. I pray she never will be. But I’m preparing for the worst. Preparing is a good thing.
How are you preparing?
Photo Credit: PicApp.com
Labels: aging parents, assisted living, decision-making
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Learning to Juggle
My week has gone amazingly well, making me believe that perhaps I haven’t lost my touch after all. I used to be quite good at juggling big projects. Back in the days when I owned a consulting company I handled multiple multi-million dollar projects at a time and loved it. Then I started home schooling and gave up that life. For the next 18 years, I just juggled multiple academic subjects and a few miscellaneous projects. In recent years, I feel as if I’ve gotten sloppy, although I’ve remained busy. But last week tested my abilities.Monday all of the players met at the rental property – insurance adjuster, dry out contractor, rebuild contractor, flooring contractor, and tenant. I was amazed at how fast it went. Everyone arrived at the same time and we were done within an hour. We went over to select the flooring and were out of town in less than two hours. Amazing. I had expected it to take the entire afternoon.
We drove on to Mom’s and brought in dinner. The next day we had two doctor’s appointments, and one the following day. Bottom line--more tests. I’m beginning to wonder if we’ll ever get an accurate diagnosis. I feel like I’m getting a medical degree in addition to my theology degree! She’ll do some more diagnostics and we’ll reconvene in a month.
Meanwhile, we noticed a problem with her water. It comes out brown! Yuk! So we talked to a bunch of people, brought in a plumber, and found that her galvanized pipes are beginning to corrode. So, do we invest several thousand dollars to re-pipe the house? It’s unlikely that we’ll recoup the expense if we need to sell in the next few years, but we can’t leave it as is. She’s already developed a GI problem, possibly from the water… So once again, more things I don’t know how to do.
I’m learning to rely on my intuition and make decisions, knowing that some will be right and some will be wrong. Hopefully the important ones will be the right ones!
To top off our sandwich, we visited our son and DIL in southern CA to celebrate her birthday. We’ve had a wonderful time visiting with them and several of their friends. Now, home to make plumbing decisions, finalize the rental and the remodel, and get ready for school to start.
I keep thinking it’s going to slow down and get easier. Silly me. However, I do believe that this is great prevention for Alzheimer's! I feel as if I’m giving my brain a real workout.
Labels: aging parents, decision-making, sandwich generation
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Needing ideas
OK, it’s your turn. We’re at Mom’s again, with medical appointments Monday and Tuesday. What I’m increasingly running into is Mom’s lack of “getting it” that her energy levels are quickly declining. She will run errands, try to flip a mattress (seriously!), pull weeds, or clean the house. Then she’s so tired she can’t even talk. She refuses to make a list of things she needs us or any of my sibs to do when we come. Things that any of us could do in 10 minutes, but would take her an hour and risk an injury. She truly seems to not understand the idea of conserving her energy for the things she enjoys. Everything is an emergency. Everything has to be done when she thinks of it. We want her to be independent as long as possible, but she’s shortening that time by stubborn decisions or lack of understanding—I’m not sure which. She’s 87 years old and I’m not being very successful in teaching her a new way of thinking. Has anyone had success in this? I’m getting desperate.Labels: aging parents, decision-making
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Aging Hurts Decision Making
I’ve been reporting a lot about Medicare scams hitting the elderly. Now a New York Times article reports on a study that confirms what unscrupulous con artists already knew--the elderly are a tempting target. Researchers have confirmed that as they grow older, even people who seem perfectly on top of things may have trouble making good decisions.The researchers based their findings on a series of tests given to two groups of healthy people, one ages 26 to 55, the other 56 to 85. The goal was to see how well the older volunteers used the decision making skills often demanded in real life for things like investments, insurance and estate planning.
“Such decisions would be a challenge even for young adults,” the researchers note in the current Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences. But when age is combined with the today’s shady marketing schemes, the challenge becomes even greater.
Even someone with high intellect and good memory may undergo changes in the prefrontal part of the brain that affects behavior. “The first manifestation of this cognitive decline may be exercising poor judgment and decision making in many important real-life matters,” the study said.
The researchers, led by Natalie L. Denburg of the University of Iowa, used a gambling-style test in which people draw from four different decks of cards. Two decks give short-term rewards but long-term losses. The other two decks do the opposite. Most people draw from the bad decks first and then switch. But many of the older participants stuck with the bad decks.
Labels: aging, decision-making
Friday, June 01, 2007
In Search of The Perfect Caregiver
Do you ever feel inadequate as you care for your aging parents? The writer at A Blog of Thinking Allowed ponders the question of how to make a wise decision in the midst of uncertainty and indecision, knowing that whatever we decide, it will never be (or seem) good enough.At some point you will have to make a decision that is only the best of choices. There might not be a “good” choice available. Odds are, your parent will reach a point when no decision you make will be satisfactory to him/her! If they already had a habit of disapproving your actions, it will be an even tougher path. If they are also in denial about the level of care they need, it will oft times feel like the parent-child roles have been reversed. It’s almost too easy to fall into the scenario of them stomping their feet that they don’t want to, and you, stomping your feet that you don’t want to either but have to!
Do your best. Give a good effort. Make the decisions that are foisted upon you. Then step back and tell yourself, “You’re doing a good job.”
Boy can I relate to this! I have felt for the past two years that I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know how to do it. Every decision seems to be a new one. Few problems have “good” answers—just the better of two “not-so-good” answers. I grow weary of the task of parenting my parent, especially given the prospect the it won’t get better—only more complex. The perfectionist in me wants to do it right. After all, the stakes are high. But I seldom feel that I’m scoring above a C+.
So, each day I can simply do my best. Give an effort. Make the decisions I have to make with the best information available at the time. And then tell myself I’m doing a good job. Sort of like raising kids, isn’t it?
Labels: aging parents, decision-making
Monday, March 05, 2007
Even Frail Parents Should Have a Say
Liz Taylor in Medical Week News suggests that our elderly parents have the right to make their own decisions, even if we consider those decisions to be wrong. That’s a hard word, but one that offers respect to them.She says, “We are parents to our children, but we are never parents to our parents. It may feel that way sometimes, but it's important to know that a healthy relationship with our parent even when we're providing care is still an adult-to-adult transaction. You can disagree with your mom, consider her her own worst enemy, tell her she's heading toward disaster. But she doesn't have to "mind" you or pay attention.”
We have a friend whose father was a life long missionary. Now retired, he still travels the world, visiting missionaries. I asked my friend how he handles this. After all, his dad is getting older. He says, “I know that someday I may have to go to Africa to retrieve him, but I know he’ll go out doing what he loves the most. I owe him that much.”
Interesting perspective. I try to remember that in dealing with my mom. What is it that causes me to want to protect and control her? I know I don’t want her to suffer from foolish mistakes, but who am I to insist that her decisions are foolish?
Labels: aging parents, decision-making