Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop
The mother of one of my friends just passed away following a week in the hospital and several years of rotating in and out of the hospital with a variety of ailments. The 97-year-old mother of another friend went into the hospital with infected bedsores. She was expected to die, but she rallied and is back in her assisted living facility. Their experiences reminded me of the days my step-dad was in the hospital, and in fact, the years he was in the nursing home with occasional excursions to the hospital. And to a lesser extent, it reminds me of my relationship with Mom. Perhaps it’s something you experience as you care for your aging parent.
I liken this to waiting for the other shoe to drop. When we’re caring for our kids, they can do crazy things and even get hurt, but our mental attitude is that everything will be OK. A broken bone, a cut, even an illness. With kids, we assume recovery and life, and we’re usually right.
With our parents, however, we know that time and the odds are not on our side. They’re on the downside of life. We know things will only get worse. We just don’t know when or how.
My mom makes bad decisions every day. I'm always waiting to see which one will result in a catastrophe. I know it’s coming. I just don’t know when or how…
I also know that as executor of her estate, I have a huge job in my future. I don’t know when. I don’t know the circumstances. All I know is that at some point, my life will go on hold as a clean out the house and deal with the details. I just don’t know when or how…
I realized as I supported these friends that this unknown expectation affects my ability to plan my own life and business. I realized that I hold back, never knowing what lies ahead. Never knowing what I can actually plan for. Yes, it’s realistic but it’s also a distraction. It keeps me less effective than I might otherwise be. That has to change. Can it?
What do you do to keep your life moving forward, even while knowing that the other shoe will drop?
Labels: aging parents, death
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
DRNs Not a Surefire Solution
I read an interesting post today by a Facebook friend, Katy McKenna, at Fallible.com. Sometimes when I start feeling whiny and sorry for myself because of the pressures I’m under, I find it helpful to read about those who have it even harder.
At this point in time, I’m only responsible for my mom, and she’s still pretty self-sufficient. A few years ago I had her and my step-dad, but since 2007, I’ve actually had it pretty easy. Comparatively.
Katy, on the other hand, has responsibility for both her mother and her mother-in-law, both in different nursing homes. She tells a poignant story of the complexity of dealing with DNRs (Do Not Resuscitate orders) and in the process, gave me a lot of information I didn’t know. I hope you’ll read her post and share your own experiences with us. Together, we learn from one another.
Photo Courtesy of flickr.com/photos/nmcmanus
Labels: aging parents, caregivers, death
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Facing Mortality
The week before Christmas, I entered into a new phase of life. A friend died suddenly. She apparently had a heart attack and died instantly. At 57, she was just a few years younger than me. Her memorial service was the Saturday after Christmas.I’ve lost a few friends to cancer over the years, but somehow this one felt different. Heart attacks happen to “older people.” Heart attacks seem to scream more loudly, “You’re aging. Your days are numbered.” And heart attacks are sudden, giving no warning. This was a mom I had home schooled with. Her son is a few years younger than my son. She was busy living her life, and suddenly she was gone, leaving a shocked and devastated husband and son.
Every funeral causes me to evaluate my own life. What is my legacy? What will they say about me? When my time comes, will I be satisfied with how I’ve spent my years or will I have regrets? What will I be remembered for? The pastimes I’ve invested my life in or the things I considered unimportant? Will I feel ready, content? Or will I insist on more time? (Not that it will do me any good!) I’m always grateful for the opportunity to take stock. Without funerals, I confess I’d become pretty complacent and give little thought to the fragility of my life.
My friend didn’t have family in the area, so several of us took on planning and serving at the memorial reception. We quickly pulled together a nice luncheon and worked together to serve. I wondered how many more such events I’d find myself serving at in the next 20 years or so. Or which of these women—friends for over 20 years--would be serving for me? As I was making little sandwiches, I thought, “This is what the “older women” in the church do.” And now, it looks as if I’m one of the older women. Am I ready for this?
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Another Death
Our community experienced another death this week. Our care group through our church is made up of Gen Sandwichers or former Gen Sandwichers. One couple lost their parents years ago before the group started. A single woman lost her mom several months ago. She’s just completing her executor functions. Then I lost my step dad in April and am working on re-settling my mom. Another Gen Sandwich couple has two parents who also live several hours away and who are both ill. In fact, they’re with her parents this weekend, having just returned from visiting their married children.Grandma Rachael lived her last couple of years with her daughter and son-in-law—the final couple in the group. The whole group adopted her and came to love her. She was a delightful woman. So deep and spiritual. So filled with faith, and yet humanly struggling with her health problems. We often prayed for her as she faced her declining health. She had been hospitalized for several weeks, and then was allowed to go home to die. Her last days were calm as she anticipated Heaven. But sad. And so hard on her daughter and SIL.
It’s interesting having a group where so many of us are dealing with aging parent issues, and the inevitable end of those issues. I read a tender article in Buzzlel.com on “The Challenge of Death and Dying: Caring for Aging Parents.” It is something we need to consider—both for our parents and ourselves.
Labels: death, sandwich generation
Sunday, May 20, 2007
The Business of Death
It’s been a busy week. My hubby and I went over to Mom’s and had a marathon three days of attorney, banking, insurance, and medical appointments. It’s amazing when I go over there. I seem to forget life here. I even forgot to call home for messages. But we sure got a lot done. We met with the attorney and found out what we needed to do. Mom had saved all of the forms that came in—insurance, pension, IRA, change of beneficiary forms, etc.-- and we were able to deal with all of them. And then we met with her doctor. He’s finally taking some of her complaints seriously, so now I need to schedule a week over there for some tests.One thing I learned is that there is almost nothing I can do without being at Mom’s. Every call required her to get on the phone and give permission for them to talk to me. Since she doesn’t hear well, it was almost a comedy of errors, them trying to talk to her, her not being able to understand, and my telling her the answer to give them in order for them to talk to me! We got it all done, but it was a nuisance and there’s nothing I can do without her being right there with me.
One advisor recommended that she put me on as co-owner of her trust so I would have equal ability to make decisions. So, tomorrow I need to call the attorney again and see what he thinks and what that really means. I’m learning so much! And nothing I really wanted to know…
Labels: death, legal responsibility, long term care insurance
Friday, April 13, 2007
A Death
I haven’t posted lately. My step dad went into the hospital over a week ago. We arrived on Monday and he passed away Tuesday. God was gracious and allowed him to pass reasonably quickly and peacefully. But as many of you know, I’m busy dealing with a lot of arrangements. I’ll be back as soon as I can.Labels: aging parents, death, sandwich generation